ORAL-SEX GIFT GUIDE
During this holiday season, you will be putting all sorts of things in your mouth. Some of those things will be sweet. Some of those things will be large and others small. And if one of those things you put in your mouth is a penis or if you wrap your mouth around a vagina, listed below few techniques that never go out of season. Also included are maneuvers that are about as popular as puking up your Thanksgiving meal.
If you are giving to a man do this:
Karaoke: wrap your hand firmly around his shaft and wrap your lips around the tip like you are Steven Tyler singing Living on the Edge. Work it like it’s your American Idol audition. Slowly stroke the shaft while moving your lips around his head and humming ever so slightly. This will be sure to rock his world like any good cover band would.
Slip’n Slide: Really moisten your lips and slide them up the sides of his shaft, then slip them around just the top of his tip and softly kiss it with puckered lips. For extra fun, lick while you slide.
Bass Nectar: Gently place your finger on his perineum while cupping his scrotum (ball sack) and loosen up that jaw, go for gold, and deep throat for at least ten strokes (if he last that long).
But don’t do this:
Dick Nixon: The votes are in and with winner is “No teeth”. Even if a little nick can leave any B.J. recipient undecided.
The Boy Scout: Lube or lugie up. Don’t start stroke’n it like you are trying to start a fire with one stick and your palm as a flint.
Circus Act: Don’t actually blow. You are not inflating his bladder or about to create a balloon animal from his cock.
If you are giving to a woman do this:
The gift set: Warm her lips up with yours. Coax her clit with your tongue until it is plump and pulsing. Then, while still licking, slide your finger inside her, curl your finger like the letter C until you find her G-spot and you’ve got yourself a gift-set complete with screaming orgasm.
The turtle: Slow and steady wins the race every time. Don’t go directly for the C-button. Kiss the creases of her thighs, her tummy, and exhale your hot breath just above where you plan to spend the next ten to twenty minutes. Play off her reactions and ask what she wants more of.
Peace Sign: Make a peace sign and slide your fingers between her big and little lips. This will accentuate the clit. Then gently and quickly lick her clit. There will be no protesting this magic maneuver.
But not this:
Pet Smart: It is not a chew toy! You have to pet the kitty and love the kitty. For exceptions to this rule of clit, see the BDSM community.
Sandman: Don’t fall asleep while doing it. If you do, you will most likely be sandbagged and blocked from entrance forevermore.
Politician: “Well I did it to you so you have to do it to me.” Coercive sex is not sexy and it is illegal in most states with exception of District Of Columbia. In fact, I'm pretty sure that this list is somewhere in a congressional amendment.