Hooking up: it’s all in the stars … and the first few drinks.


Normally you’re too stuck up to masturbate, but this month, your libido is so out of control that you find yourself furiously doing a lot of what Planned Parenthood pamphlets call “getting to know yourself better.” Good thing the stars are encouraging you to do just that; find little pleasure spots you didn’t know you had and modes of touch and seduction you never knew you wanted. Masturbation is the great equalizer of humanity, and it’s about time you realized this.


What’s up, you lucky little poop? Jupiter is in your seventh house for the remainder of the year, which has the effect of making you way luckier than the rest of us sad sacks. You’ve probably encountered a so-called soul mate of yours, and said soul mate is currently snuggling your butt with their face. Gross/cute! The only real concern you have right now is fucking each other so much that you get genital rugburn, so … lube the living shit out of yourselves. Nice work.


Since you’ve consigned yourself to the mistaken belief that you’ll be single for the rest of your natural life, the stars think it’s really time you upped your seduction game. No long-term partner means you’re not going for distance anymore; you’re going for speed. Now, you have very little to lose, so put yourself out there, ask for what you want, and get your naughty stableboy fantasy off your chest in the first breath. No more games. Just x-rated equine roleplay. Great talk.


You’re a bit frustrated this month. Someone keeps giving you mixed signals about their feelings and you’ve just about had it with their shit. Well, thanks to a burst of energy from Mars, expect to gather up the courage and verbal acumen to shut them down. Don’t be surprised if something like “Nnnniiiiiii bbbbbuuuggghhh, I hate youuu” comes out of your mouth. Simple, but deadly. You might be embarrassed about your honesty, but African children are starving, so get over it.


This October, Mercury is in your 11th house, which intensifies any group experiences you might have. This influence lends itself perfectly to any sort of threesome, foursome, 70-some or grossly decadent Roman orgy, so be on the lookout for any 2-for-1 deals you come across in your sexual encounters. Whoever you’re into might just have a friend you’d “really like,” which is just code for “will bone you into a coma.” Hope you have insurance.


Venus rules your sign for the month of October, which really plays up your feminine energy and appreciation of all things girl-related. If you’re female, you might find yourself longing for the soft lips and strap-on dildo of another XX-chromosome humanoid. If you’re male, you’re liable to have actual, deep, feelings you express using your mouth, something that itself melts the said soft lips and strap-on dildos of womankind into many sexual froth puddles. Okay!


Fun fact: your overly emotional and intuitive nature lends itself ever-so-perfectly to supercharged sexual intensity, as you’re able to make yourself vulnerable in ways that really play up the trust and intimacy of an encounter. Ever thought of translating this skill into something kinky? With Leo conjunct your moon this month, that kinky thing could definitely be some sort of dominance/submission scene or relationship. You need a safeword … seaweed?


You love to be the star of the show when it comes to sex. Like, man, can you really lie there like a dead fish and take it. We’re sure that’s suuuper fun for your partners, but this month, try to switch things up and focus on giving instead of dead-fishing. Thankfully, you’ve got a bunch of generous water signs in your house of love this month, meaning being the one with a mouthful of genitals yourself will come easier than it normally does, pun obviously intended.


It’s super hard for you to connect with people if you don’t share a similar taste in music, design, art, or any sort of stylized sonic/aesthetic thing. When it comes to the people you pork, you get get insanely aroused when someone agrees with you about dumb things pottery or threadcount, but there’s more to life than that. Be careful you’re not limiting yourself in this sense; just because someone also has a Le Crueset dutch oven doesn’t mean you should bang.


September was a fast-paced active month for you, especially sexually, but now that things have quieted down, you can finally get back into the domestic routine of comfort that gives you such a great boner. Except, NOO. Don’t do that. The purpose of stressful September was to light a fire under your ass and make you see that action is as important as vegetative lounging when it comes to fucking, so … stress yourself out about sex a little this month. It’ll be good for you, promise.


You have a unique psychosexual constitution which allows you to use sex as a vehicle to work out whatever 99 problems are plaguing you. That’s a great quality, and this month, unpredictable Uranus in your sign will allow you more opportunities than usual to have the kind of intellectual, emotionally reparative sex you need to have to be functioning person and not bash everyone’s knees Tanya Harding-style. Isn’t that nice.


You and your partner aren’t seeing eye to eye on some key sexual issues this month. Eh, happens to everyone, but important thing is that you each consider the other’s sides and respect their decision. What’ll really bite you in the ass this month is insisting your point of view is right, so chill out on that. Also, little dissent can be hot. Channel the passion from your bitchy side into some sort of sexual compromise that satisfies both your butts.