If you haven’t already repurposed your degree into a doormat, now’s the time …
With more than a half million college graduates currently working for minimum wage in this great country, it’s really no wonder that Pizza Hut decided to try their hand at higher education. The company announced last week its plans to offer apprenticeships and skills training as part of an actual pizza degree human beings can pay money for… we shit you not. With some studying, a little ‘can do’ spirit and an ungodly amount of money, you too can be a certified, university-trained pizza whisperer.
Manchester Metropolitan University plans to generate 1,500 apprenticeships in collaboration with Pizza Hut. Taking place over the next five years, “the degree-level program will train students in food production and financial analysis,” according to a report by Vice. Presumably, this means students will be making pizza and counting down the drawer at the end of the night. Real world skillz, no doubt. Many students enrolled in the program will also have the “opportunity” to be trained on-site at an actual Pizza Hut on top of a challenging course load on campus.
The Pizza Hut HR and marketing director Kathryn Austin claimed the program would be somehow different than just getting a job at Pizza Hut, explaining to the Manchester Evening News: “Over the next few years, we will work hard to provide our apprentices and team members with the best training and development so that we can equip them with skills for life, not just for working in a restaurant.”
Life skills such as learning rudimentary skills geared towards. but not exclusive to a full-time Pizza Hut shift-lead position sans benefits, job security and/or self-respect …
Basically, you’re paying to work at Pizza Hut.
The United Kingdom’s Skills Minister, Nick Boles, encouraged more corporations to join the fight in making a complete mockery of the higher education apparatus, claiming: “I would encourage more businesses to take the lead from companies like Pizza Hut restaurants to start or expand their apprenticeship programs.”
Currently, details about what kind of curriculum pizza majors will take on are cloudy like the water from a freshly made mozzarella ball. It's unclear whether students will be schooled on such important topics as pepperoni ratios, the flaccid fallacy of cornmeal crust or the difference between New York and New Jersey style 'za, but one thing's for sure: what this country needs most right now is an entire workforce educated in fiery cheesey bread.
Our math and science scores are fine. Pizza is a triangle that, when added to the mouth-stomach, equals yum yums. See? Pizza degrees are the shiiiit.