Many of us still appreciate the timeless value of paper pornography. There’s precious nostalgia within the pages of Playboy and Hustler magazines. But it’s high time to leave behind this sentimental smut for a safer, more efficient means of masturbation.

Nothing illustrates our point more than the unfortunate man who took his outdated erotica to an obsessive level, and paid the price for his printed porn — 13,000 pounds of it, to be exact.

The man’s name was Joji, and he was found dead in his Japanese home, buried under his colossal porn collection. According to reports, every available inch of the horny hoarder’s apartment was covered in pornographic magazines. Joji’s landlord entered the home after he’d fallen behind on his rent (but clearly not his masturbation habits), and found what looked like millions of magazines toppled over him.

It’s currently unclear if Joji was crushed to death by the mass of magazines or if he had a heart attack and was subsequently buried by copious piles of porn. In either case, if Joji remained conscious throughout the event, the paper would have ensured his demise by muffling any cries for help.

Upon learning the circumstances of his passing, Joji’s family sent a cleaning crew to the scene to have the magazines discreetly removed. Their efforts were ineffective, however, when a member of the cleaning crew leaked the details of Joji’s death. The story spread like wildfire, and pictures of Joji’s X-rated tomb spanned the Japanese media.

Let us use Joji’s passing as a cautionary tale. This obsolete form of fapping has been abandoned for a reason. First, your habits can’t be hidden by the clearing of a browser history. Second, your collection can’t be concealed without making you the media’s masturbation sensation. The switch to internet porn will be well worth your while.