Will American's love all-you-can-eat french fries? Does a bear shit in the woods?  

Americans and self-control go together like bears and circus monkeys; they fucking hate each other, and should they cross paths, things will get ugly.

Luckily, McDonald’s understands this and is pushing out the ultimate test of self-will with an all-you-can-eat french fries promotion to guarantee that childhood obesity and clogged arteries remain a staple of the American Dream.

All-you-can-eat French fries will be introduced at a brand new Missouri location dubbed “The McDonald’s of the future.” Calm down, a futuristic McDonald’s is like a bathroom with new sensory hand driers. Nothing’s really changed, it still smells like stale urine and the tech accessory that’s now upgraded is actually as advanced as the iPod touch. For McDonald’s the new stores will have electronic Kiosks, allowing customers to customize their own burgers, design their own McFlurries and order all the fucking fries they want. In short, McDonald’s cut back on labor costs, upgraded the menu and billed it as a restaurant of the future.

Although the endless buckets of fries are only in Missouri — and no one wants to go to shitty Missouri —  the hope is that a successful roll-out of the pilot program will be indicative of the rest of the country’s desire to shovel fries into their mouths at an alarming rate. Here’s to hoping! And knowing that 99 percent of Americans have the self-restraint of a sea otter.