If you plan on enacting change in the world by sitting at home on your asshole, at least masturbate while doing it. That's the basic message behind Masturbate for Peace, a website that promotes, well … you read the title.

If you plan on enacting change in the world by sitting at home on your asshole, at least masturbate while doing it. That's the basic message behind Masturbate for Peace, a website that promotes, well … you read the title.

But don't take our word for it. One Masturbate for Peace member did a better job explaining what the organization is about than we ever could.

“I plan to masturbate furiously and frequently,” said a member named Deven. “I shall masturbate with an alacrity and creativity heretofore thought impossible. With God’s help, I plan to masturbate while bathing, attending classes, preparing food, and yes, even while playing catch with puppies. My ejaculate shall shine under black lights as a beacon of peace and self-love. I shall proudly go forth into the world, with scented candles, lubricants, Barry White CDs, and an insatiable appetite for the five-knuckle-shuffle.”

Oh, fuck yeah. This is a cause we can get into.

Legend goes, Masturbate for Peace was started by an anonymous sex toy purveyor called Mr. O as a protest against the Iraq War. In an interview, his rationale for using masturbation as a peace device was this: "The largest demographic in the world, you see, is masturbating people. So we’re trying to reach the largest demographic.” To be honest; that makes sense. When you get at people on their own terms (self-pleasure), especially with humor and fun, maybe you can use their attention to make a difference. Or at the very least, you'll have laid yourself.

As that message caught on, masturbatory members began pledging to spank their meat for causes beyond the war in Iraq.  A Chinese user pledged to soil a tissue to free Tibet, a Puerto Rican member promised to show a banana native to his or her island who was boss in order to protest US naval practices in the area, and an Alabaman said he was going to get nasty while driving to bring awareness to road rage. Amd with that, the message of peace and understanding spread faster than a Trojan virus that your favorite porn site gives you when you type in "Nuts 2 Ass."

Not surprisingly, the concept of masturbating for a good cause is pretty popular. The site's last stat report, although outdated, showed it had collected 17,000 signed petitions people all over the world who promsed to focus their energies on world peace and the alleviation of human suffering as they diligently splooged all over their gem-top Macs.

But petitions and pledges aren't the only thing Masturbate for Peace members make. They've also created over 500 hilarious bumper sticker slogans, lovingly designed World War II-style propaganda posters, and let over 70 poems and songs spill forth from their loins like unrequited semen. Many of the songs are confusingly Christmas-themed, like "The 10 Days of Wanking" and "Wankin' in a Winter Wonderland," but some are more anthemic, like "I Cum in Peace."

Our favorite slogan was "You Can't Masturbate with Nuclear Arms." It's funny shit, and there's no doubt that humor can serve as a method of calling attention to a social issue.

But somewhere beyond the humor is the sense that you can influence the world through the release of sexual energy. It's hardly an unheard of belief; Tantra is largely based around that concept, and many black magick practioners such as Aleister Crowly believed that "nothing speeds a spell on its way like a good thumping orgasm."

One British member perfectly illustrates this belief, pledging: "I will use my Tantric techniques so that I divert my negative energy within, converting it into pure orgasm. If everyone knew how to do this then there would be no war."

Yet another member took a slightly-gross but still helpful view, writing that they'd change the world by "using the bathwater, letting the love of this peace water flow back through the sewer system to all in my community."

In a world where it can feel like there's little that we as individuals can do to change the world, the idea that the small and fun process of masturbating can make an impact is the only thing that keeps you sane. Today, we often have little control, but the greatest control we have is over our own bodies. Focusing energy we can be accountable for on something positive like ending human suffering seems like a better idea than doing nothing at all.

As one member puts it, "I shall batter my beaver not only for peace but for understanding between the sexes, the survival of the ecosphere and the cancelation of The Jerry Springer Show. George and Saddam will not know what kind of etheric bolt hit their brains when I fire up the old Hitachi." Translation: I'll do what I can.

Because, as the Masturbate for Peace homepage declares, "There's no greater antidote for war than love. Feelings of hatred and distrust form the necessary basis of armed confrontation. Replace those negative feelings with love and you're halfway towards resolution of any conflict. However, any real love must start from within. You can't love others without loving yourself first. And, of course, masturbation is the greatest expression of self-love. So it's natural that we, the citizens of the world, are joining together to masturbate for peace."

Great. Now where's our Baywatch VHS? We're coming for you, world hunger.