In a dry spell? Unhand that Tinder and head to Denver International Airport, because word has it those TSA agents are getting handsy.

In a dry spell? Unhand that Tinder and head to Denver International Airport, because word has it those TSA agents are getting handsy, giving out free penile gropings to certain gentlemen as they pass through the dreaded security line.

Apparently, to be considered for this unholy violation, you just have to a.) have a penis and b.) have no intention of having that penis fondled by airport security.

And although it's rare today that men are given recognition for enduring sexual assault, this situation makes it overwhelmingly clear that that's exactly what was happening.

According to the police report, the TSA staff at DIA had a very efficient, thoroughly creepy method they'd employ in order to select their potential groping victims. This method discovered by an investigator who was hired to observe the screening area after an anonymous employee contacted the TSA in November 2014 with the news that a male screener had told her that "he 'gropes' males who come through the screening area."

Sure enough, on Feb. 9, the investigator noticed a male screener give a signal to a female screener, who controlled the touch-screen system.

When a male Southwest Airlines passenger entered the scanner, the investigator saw the woman "press the screening button for a female," the report said.

The male screener then conducted a pretty sexually invasive pat down of the passenger's front groin and buttocks area with the palms of his hands, which is contradictory to TSA searching policy. Obviously.

When the investigator questioned her about why she was doing this, she ratted ASAP, admitting that she did this so the male agent could perform pat downs on male passengers he found attractive. She had responded to her fellow screener's signals at least 10 times, meaning there are at least that many victims of their little one-two program.

Several the men who had this happen to them have already called Denver prosecutors to report they'd been groped and inappropriately caressed by DIA security screeners. However it appears as if this groping procedure is part of a much larger, systematic sexual assault attack; already this year two previous TSA officers had been fired after investigators found they'd been grouping men using the same method.

Prosecutors declined to bring charges against the two screeners in April, saying that the inability to identify a victim made it impossible to bring charges of unlawful sexual contact.

And hey. Maybe this sounds like a dream come true to you. Maybe you haven't gotten as much action as you're used to lately. Maybe the gruff, emotionally distant tough of a uniformed officer sounds a lot better than the familiar embrace of your weathered right hand. And if that's the case, then by all means buy yourself an airline ticket back home to New Jersey or wherever you're from so you can get to second base. But that's probably not what the men who were going through security had in mind.

… And the DIA conspiracy plot thickens. Who knows if those agents are feeling around for dicks that could stand up to a nuclear apocalypse and survive in the subterranean DIA tunnels along with a few chose Illuminati members? Or however the DIA conspiracy theories go? We don't know what the hell is going on at that airport … but it never seems to be good. That's okay … we've got a full tank of gas. We'll just drive to our Hawaii vacation, because the only groping going on there is probably from dolphins and rogue waves. It's cool.