Life advice from comedian Mike Stanley. Got a nagging question? Tweet him @_Aware_Wolf and divuldge your deepest, darkest inquiries.

When it’s hot what do you eat? It’s too hot to cook and you don’t have enough money to go out to a sit down restaurant; what do you do?
Have you looked between your couch cushions? There’s usually some good stuff in there. M&Ms, loose fries, a Cheez-It or two, spare change. It’s like being paid to eat snacks. Two birds!
—–

Should I send this guy that went down on me a Thank You card?
Isn’t that what nudes are? Nevermind. Yes! I think this is a very original and sweet gesture.

Men love to be complimented on their sexual performance.

We’re dumb animals.

The only thing better than hearing those sweet words, “You really flooded my basement, mister,” whispered into your ear would be something that acknowledged we gave you a “Big O” in print.

Maybe a card with a Georgia O’Keeffe painting on the front. Something subliminal. You could spruce it up with some crafts. Make it cute. Add googly eyes and some glitter. Let him know you’ve got a real “fun party puss” that “enjoyed his oral rapture” and he’s got an open invitation to park his “nose in your rump” and “plow away at you” in the very near future.

You could write a personalized message on the inside of the card with something fun like …

“Bush may have did 9/11, but that tongue of yours really knew how to give me an inside job.”

Or maybe a poem.

Something like:

“Roses are red,
Vegans are fussy.
4th base is butt stuff,
I’m not good at rhyming.”

I hope whatever you come up with, he goes down on! Cheers!
—–

What advice do you have for making ends meet?                         
I just made $400 selling one of my kidneys on the dark web.
—–

What’s a good first date for two people that are introverts?
Napping. I say this all the time. Introverts or not. We’re all slugging through life exhausted.

Wouldn’t it be great to exchange information, distribute that to your close friends for safety purposes, drop a pin on a spot in the park, throw down a blanket and mutually agree upon the idea that you’re tired and getting to know someone is equally if not more tiresome?

For every 10 minutes you each talk about your family, you nap for 20.

Mike Stanley can be seen every Monday hosting Thick Skin at Comedy Works in Downtown Denver; and then every Tuesday wondering where it all went wrong.