Life advice from comedian Mike Stanley …

Who has the best chance of becoming our next president?
Tough to say. At this point, anything goes!  I would vote for a raccoon wearing a top hat and monocle if it were on the roster. If I could design the perfect candidate in a lab, it would be a female Native American lesbian. Who has been through more? But let’s be honest … we’ll probably end up electing an actual vampire with a history of arson. I’m also not interested in watching candidates debate. I’d much rather watch them try to escape from a corn maze. USA! USA! USA! 

Is it possible for someone to get out of the friend zone?
Yes. It’s called ‘forcing someone to settle for you.’ If you really like someone, and they aren’t into you romantically, the best thing to do is just wait them out. Think hostage situation. Use the passage of time to erode their sensibilities. Be that creep that hangs out, that’s always there for them, consoling them, sabotaging any chance at an actual healthy relationship they may naturally develop on their own! You can do it! I believe in you!

What’s the next big thing in music?
Christmas music. Mark my words, come December everyone will be cranking that shit to the tits! These are fair weather fans. Personally I listen to it year round. In my home, my car, at the gym, while I’m dusting my mannequin collection. 24/7/365.

Long-distance dating, yes or no?
I think the most important thing in any relationship is respecting each other’s space. By space I mean, preferably a few hundred miles. You ever wake up to someone breathing in your face? It gets old quick. Put a state or two between you. Problem solved.

How do you feel about destination weddings?
I think they’re audacious as hell. Forcing your friends to use their vacation time to watch you and your partner exchange vows at some terrible tourist trap is incredibly rude. If I fly all the way to Myrtle Beach to watch you tie the knot, that night, I should be able to watch you fuck. Fair is fair.

Mike Stanley can be seen every Monday hosting Thick Skin at Comedy Works Downtown, Denver. Tweet @_Aware_Wolf or @RoosterMagazine with your most pressing queries about this thing we call life.