Life advice from comedian Mike Stanley. Take it for what it's worth. 

What is the best hangover cure?

For me, three Advil, a gallon of water, pineapple slices, sex (preferably with a partner. If not, solo works), a Tom Hanks movie (refrain from sex during this part. Don’t be disrespectful to TOM HANKS!) or a nature documentary. Sleep. Sleep as much as you can. If you have to work, go in. If you’re going to feel like trash at least get paid for it. Activated charcoal and a fat bowl of pasta before bed is a nice preemptive strike if you’re cognizant enough to whip that together.

Is it ok to ask someone I work with — that does the same job I do — how much money they make?

Absolutely. Not sure what line of work you’re in, but I never hesitate to tell my colleagues how much I make when asked. I’ve never worked in a corporate environment. I’m sure the rules differ. Meaning, there are probably a million rules, which is why those jobs never appealed to me in the first place. Every dollar you make, at least with my job is a fight, so if someone is shady and squeezing you for less than they’re capable of paying you it’s important that other people you know and respect in that profession to have that information. They need you more than you need them. Also, if you find out they’re slighting you and you’re too uncomfortable confronting them, you can always just steal shit.  

The last job I had outside of standup and acting was waiting tables at a shitty restaurant in Chicago. My boss was a 45 year old queef with braces and a Napoleon complex. Simply put, a total dick. When I found out they were ganking part of my tip-out to hand cash to the cooks so they could pay them less on the books, obviously I was furious. I never mentioned it. Instead…I decided to play the long game. “Cool! I’ll just use this place as my personal pantry!” Silverware, ramekins, plates, bowls, cutlery, kitchenware, spices, produce and toilet paper were things I never purchased again while at that job. As uncomfortable as it is to talk money, you have to. Keeping you in the dark is how they keep you as cheap labor.

Wait, did I just start a union?

I had a Bumble date Friday and went home with him and it’s already, ‘Good morning Baby.’ Are people suffering from premature ‘baby’ing these days?  I feel like two dates in and it’s suddenly ‘baby’ this and ‘baby’ that.

Oh gross. Yeah, it’s a front to lock things down. He sounds co-dependent as hell and is relationship hijacking. Also, you should take it as somewhat of a compliment meaning you probably gave him some bomb ass pussy which he’s not used to. I know that sounds crass but he’s most likely trying to shore this up. Pet names shouldn’t even be out of the hopper until you’re more than a few months in. A ‘Hey you!’ or ‘Howdy, Dum-Dum!’ can suffice until then.

 

Mike can be seen every Monday hosting Thick Skin at Comedy Works Downtown in Denver. Tweet @_aware_wolf or @roostermagazine with your most pressing queries about this thing we call life.