Milltown Mel, the New Jersey groundhog counterpart to Punxsutaweny Phil, died shortly before Groundhog Day this week, causing many to wonder if this is indeed the straw to break the camel’s back and usher America into a permanent, nuclear-esque winter.
The news comes as large winter storms are enveloping the Midwest, dumping snow in places like Kansas City and Chicago.
While climate change activists will certainly try and frame this story as being caused by increasing mass populations and the industrialization of the entire world, it’s important to remember the real reason is due Americans worshipping a cruel and vengeful God who brought about the death of Milltown Mel.
As parts of the nation expect to see the brunt of the storm in the coming days, eyes fall to Texas and its power grid system, as millions of Americans simultaneously wonder if Ted Cruz will flee with his family to Mexico a second time.
Every year, thousands of Americans descend on the town of Milltown, New Jersey to experience the festivities of Groundhog Day, in what could very well be the ultimate demonstration of having nothing better to do.
As of press time, it’s still unclear if foul groundhog play, groundhog domestic disputes or groundhog opiates are suspected in Mel’s death.
Groundhog Day originated from a Pennsylvanian Dutch superstition that states if a groundhog sees its shadow, then Bill Murray will be forced to live the same day over and over again in a hilarious, yet family friendly, time loop.
However, the traditions of Groundhog Day don’t fall to just one groundhog. Luckily, weather-predicting rodents are found all over the U.S., similar to Freemason lodges. Fortunately, in trying times like these, the people of America can look to beacons of hope such as Dunkirk Dave and Staten Island Chuck to carry them through the winter, or lack thereof.
This isn’t the first time a groundhog kicked it before their big day. In 2016, Sussex County’s groundhog, Stonewall Jackson, went to the great hamster wheel in the sky, ushering in what many believe to be a dark and hellish age for the nation.
At the end of the day, Punxsutawney Phil made a prediction for a long winter whereas Staten Island Chuck predicted an early spring, causing many readers to wonder if these prognosticating rodents have any idea what the fuck they’re talking about.