My partner is a frequent gamer. How do we spend more quality time together?

Have you never heard of Mario Kart? I don t think there is a a single person on the planet that doesn’t love Mario Kart. It’s the perfect game to play together. It solidifies bonds, re-ignites passion and ends conflicts. A lot of people don’t know this but it’s actually how the Cuban middle crisis was solved.

I’m moving to a new city alone. How do I stay social?

Hmmm… have you tried ax throwing? It’s like bowling but for influencers. I think there are leagues. It’s a big deal right now. A lot of people are into it and I’m sure you would make some new friends. Plus side is, if anyone creeps you out, you already have an ax in your hand. I mean… they do too… but … you’ll have the element of surprise, being from out of town and all. They have no idea what you’re capable of … yet.

What do I do with worn out shoes and socks?

Socks? Are you asking me if you should keep worn out sock? Yes. Maniac. Ball them up and stuff them into a pillow case. Maybe tape a picture of your high school crush to the front of it and take it to the movies. Do this for years until you spiral into an abysmal sea of psychosis. It’s just you and her. No one else matters. The world is against you. UNTIL… you meet a real girl at work, a new live interest, she convinces you none of this is real. She convinces you to bury your sock girlfriend. It’s hard, but you do it, for her… for your future. You wear the old shoes you saved while digging the hole. Those really came in handy! You marry the girl from your work, have 3 kids, your entire family is on high dosage perscription meds but you’re happy. The End.

How do I cope with a never ending to-do list?

This is a common stress we all deal with. I’m a list maker too so I know exactly where your coming from, here. The most important thing to remember is you don’t have to do everything at once, and you need to reward yourself along the way. Depending how big the tasks, I group them in threes, accomplish those three things , then… reward. Ok, Lets say I have 10 things to do. I’ll knock out the first three, example: laundry, pay bills, pick up dry cleaning, I’ll do those three things then immediately fly to Mexico as a reward and ignore the other seven things on the list. Try it! It works every time!

I love your column! Would you come to my birthday party? We’ll have booze, a shit ton of weed and a bunch of pizzas!!

No…wait….what’s on the pizzas?

“I thank god everyday that I’m not religious.”