Best to tackle the nipple epidemic instead of, you know, that whole heroin thing …

In a state that often prides itself on its “Live Free or Die” motto, New Hampshire sure has a problem with nipples. Right now, State Rep. Brian Gallagher is forging a campaign to keep innocent children of ever having to bare witness to even a single nipple by making it illegal for women to go topless throughout the state.

Currently there is no law actually prohibiting females from going topless in New Hampshire. The notion of the law's absence gained attention this past summer when two ladies won a case defending their right to sunbathe topless at a local beach. If New Hampshire is successful in banning women from going topless in public it would be one of only four states in the country with laws specifically prohibiting it. (Colorado, in fact, does not prohibit it — fuck yeah, freedom!)

Nipple-phobe Gallagher filed a proposal recently that would make it a crime for women to exist naturally. Of it, he tried to defend his backwards position like this:

"It's a shame that some folks are more concerned with exposing their breasts in public places than they are concerned about how families and children may be impacted by being forced to experience this evolving societal behavior,"

Because clearly it's common knowledge that the sight of a female nipple has incredible power to ruin wholesome New Hampshire families. Much more so than the enormous heroin epidemic that is ravaging the small state for example. Because just last month at least 14 people died of overdosing on drugs in New Hampshire’s largest city of just 110,000 people, Manchester. We can't be so sure, but we've yet to find even one case of anyone dying from nipple exposure to the eyes. But drugs are way less harmful than areola, obviously.

Incredibly, Gallagher has support from other state politicians on nipple banning.

State Rep. Josh Moore even went so far as to say that if women are comfortable being topless in public, then they “should have no problem with a man’s inclination to stare at it and grab it.” Because the only thing preventing rampant sexual assault against women is the fact that their chests are hidden by a sliver of cotton. Sound logic, Joshy!

Gallagher has made statements saying that allowing topless women “is not the direction that the 'live-free-or-die' state wants to embrace” — thus proving the old man has no real understanding of what the word "free" actually means.

Overall, this whole thing just makes Rep. Brian Gallagher and his anti-bosom buddies look like they're teetering on pure insanity.