Hey all. Glad we could all meet here today, because there's something we need to tell you. Nebraska and Oklahoma are suing Colorado in the U.S. Supreme Court in an attempt to reverse marijuana legalization entirely.
Hey all. Glad we could all meet here today, because there's something we need to tell you. Nebraska and Oklahoma are suing Colorado in the U.S. Supreme Court in an attempt to reverse marijuana legalization entirely. This is something that effects all of us, but your stoner may be especially sensitive given the graphic nature of the lawsuit. So, we've got some sage wisdom about how you can break the news to them … but first, some background.
The lawsuit argues that Colorado does not have the authority to pass laws that conflict with the federal prohibition on marijuana. By legalizing weed, the states claim, Colorado is violating the Supremacy Clause of the U.S. Constitution.
"The State of Colorado has created a dangerous gap in the federal drug control system," the lawsuit whines. "Marijuana flows from this gap into neighboring states, undermining Plaintiff States' own marijuana bans, draining their treasuries, and placing stress on their criminal justice systems."
"We can't afford to divert resources to deal with Colorado's problem," Nebraska Attorney General Jon Bruning said at a news conference Thursday. Um, Colorado doesn't have a problem anymore — you do.
Good lord, Nebrasklahoma. We're suppose to be the square state, not you.
Look, we know what you're thinking about all this. "I can handle this crushing blow, but how am I going to break the news to my stoner?"
Never fear. We've got some counter-points to Oklabraska's case that should placate their beautiful, sensitive concerns.
1. Gently explain the Supremacy Clause to them. That clause basically just says that federal laws can supersede state laws when Congress wants them to. However, the mere fact that a state law is different than a federal law does not mean it's a violation of the clause. Congress has to decide it's a violation.
So far, we're unaware of any congressional grievances with Colorado's law. In fact, Congress just passed a bill ensuring an end to DEA raids of medical marijuana facilities, so we don't think they're as into harshing buzzes as our neighbors to the east and northeast.
2. Take a rational look at interstate drug trafficking. Look, buddy, drugs flow between states and countries on a daily basis and they always have. Since their inception, narctoics have never been known to respect state boundaries. Cocaine comes from Columbia. Heroin comes from Mexico. But you don't see the United States or any of its 50 children suing those countries for that reason.
3. Oklahoma and Nebraska have bigger, much more hypocritical problems to worry about. Oklahoma has the fifth highest drug mortality rate in the country. No one's ever died from weed, so we're pretty sure Colorado's recreational marijuana has nothing to do with Oklahoma's drug problem.
Oklahoma also has the lowest amount of fruit and vegetable consumption in the country, so it's clear that health concerns, such as a patient's access to therapeuetic marijuana, aren't necessarily at the top of their list.
Nebraska, by contrast, has a little meth problem. In the last year, several major meth ring busts have occurred in the flat, cow-filled state. Meth that came from, gasp, inside state lines!
Nebraska is also in the business of fueling alcoholism in South Dakota. The tiny town of Whiteclay, population 10, has the honorable title of being the US town with the greatest beer sales per capita of any American town. The town has four licensed off-sale beer stores that sold 3.6 million cans of beer in 2013, or almost 10,000 cans of beer per day. And who's buying all this booze? Certainly not the literal 10 people that live there. South Dakotans, in fact, come down to buy booze there because a wide swath of Indian reservation separates Nebraska from the southern border of South Dakota where it's illegal to consume or purchase booze. As for the Lakota indians on the reservation, who do most of the buying of Whiteclay booze, alcoholism affects an estimated 80 percent of their households, 60 percent of individuals, and nearly one quarter of babies born suffer from fetal alcohol syndrome.
There's already nefarious shit in Oklahoma and Nebraska. Repealing Colorado's weed legalization won't change that. And when weed stops coming from Colorado, you can bet your ass it'll come in from somewhere else. Police forces in those two states will have to expend resources to tackle that issue, no matter what, until marijuana is decriminalized there.
4. The other five states touching Colorado are cool with it. So what's the problem, Nebrasklahoma? Which one of you is the Mom and which one is the Dad?
5. Also, let's be real: there's not a lot going on in Oklahoma or Nebraska. Sure, there's artificial bovine insemination and high school football, but other than that; nothing's exactly kicking up a lot of dust. A state vs. state lawsuit on the Supreme Court level could really get those good country people the entertainment boner they've been missing. A real old wild west duel!
6. Jealousy is a thing. Colorado's weed boom has been like steroids for our economy. Our housing market is exploding. Our tech sector is pulsating with sexy growth. Young, intelligent people are moving here. We have all this money for education and city improvements. And what do Nebraska and Oklahoma have? Cow farts.
7. We've got some brawn gunning for Colorado's case, so hush, hush baby, it's all going to be alright. John Suthers, the Colorado AG, vowed to fight the lawsuit tooth and nail, saying it was "without merit." He told the Denver Post,
"Because neighboring states have expressed concern about Colorado-grown marijuana coming into their states, we are not entirely surprised by this action," Suthers said. "However, it appears the plaintiffs' primary grievance stems from non-enforcement of federal laws regarding marijuana, as opposed to choices made by the voters of Colorado. We believe this suit is without merit and we will vigorously defend against it in the U.S. Supreme Court."
All it takes is a little communication between you and your stoner to know that everything's going to be okay. We doubt that the Supreme Court will side with the Plaintiffs of the Plains, because, after all, Congress did not interfere with recreational weed legalization in Colorado, Washington, Oregon and Alaska. Also, you don't see the neighboring states of other recreational weed states suing anyone. It's not like Idaho is suing both Washington and Oregon over recreational weed because people are getting high in their potatoes.
Can't we all just get a bong?