If ever there was something to put on our Christmas lists, it's this Anti-Masturbation Cross from StopMasturbationNow.Org. Sure, it's geared towards children … but so is Count Chocula, and that doesn't mean we don't munch those delicious brown nuggets every day.

If ever there was something to put on our Christmas lists, it's this Anti-Masturbation Cross from StopMasturbationNow.Org. Sure, it's geared towards children … but so is Count Chocula, and that doesn't mean we don't munch those delicious brown nuggets every day.

So, what exactly is an Ant-Masturbation Cross? Well, we hired a team of talented writers to tell you, but they're all busy masturbating, so we thought we'd let StopMasturbationNow themselves tell you. Here's what their site says.

Parents, have you ever imagined your child masturbating? Do you worry what they do when your back is turned? Do you fear that they will fall into the grip of Satan?

Worry no more! Introducing the Anti-Masturbation Cross®! Designed by STOP Masturbation NOW engineers, this wondrous restraining device allows you to go about your day without the nagging suspicion that your offspring are treating their bodies like some kind of perverted amusement park.

Well, while we can't say that any of us have children quite yet, we can say that stopping ourselves from masturbating would significantly improve our masturbation:work ratio.

With the hope that owning one of these dick handlers will absolve us of our sins and cleanse our filthy minds, we will be ordering 25 … because they're made for ages 5-16, and look really easy to break out of during an episode of masturbatory devil possession.

Okay now, now. You're probably wondering if this savior device is real or fake (it is) and whether or not StopMasturbationNow.org is an actual site (it's not) that exists solely to halt the dangerous process of masturbation (no). Well, would a "fake site" write this?

My dear friends in Christ. To avoid the near occasion of self rape sin, B.L.U.F.F. recommends individuals take up a hobby or seasonal pursuit. One such endeavor is pumpkin carving. The below chart illustrates just how easy it is to have a fun filled afternoon carving a pumpkin.

Exactly. Those guys are here to help.