With the release of the new iPhone 6, Apple will slowly and methodically eradicate the need for those banes of human existence known as "credit cards."

With the release of the new iPhone 6, Apple will slowly and methodically eradicate the need for those banes of human existence known as "credit cards."

Yes … gone are the days in which you must break your arm reaching into your back pocket for your wallet. Gone are the days you pull out a Best Buy gift card instead of your plastic and hand it to the reluctant cashier. Gone are the dark, icy cold interactions between you and the VeriFone Machines at Target, as they stare listlessly into your soul, dully whispering "Declined. Declined." at your furrowed brow.

Now, a brighter day has arrived when iPhone owners can simply use their beloved phone/ Tinder dojo to make in-person purchases. No small plastic rectangle required.

They'll do so through a little function called Apple Pay, which stores your credit and debit card information on it, allowing it to act like a mobile wallet that also receives calls from your poor mother who you never call since you moved to the city. Using Apple Pay, you can simply scan your phone or push a button at checkout to pay for your potpourri or dildos or whatever.

It should be an easy transition for both users and Apple; they already have 800 million credit cards on file that people use to purchase things from iTunes or the App Store, so they're already halfway there.

Eventually, Apple would like to entirely absorb the concept of credit cards, much like a macrophage absorbs a pathogen, so that there would be no "Visa" or "Mastercard" at all. It's likely that they'd even get into the credit game themselves, further obliterating credit card companies and their memories from our planet. That's not to say that you don't still owe $20K and the rapidly building interest accruing from the purchase of that jet ski to your credit card company … it's just that in the near-future, you'll owe that money to Apple, not Visa.

Now, we know what you're probably thinking. "What will happen to my debt collector, Fran, who has called me every day for the last year at exactly 10 a.m. to remind me my invoice has been submitted to collections?" "Where will all the good people over at Mastercard, who suckered me into debt by offering me double rewards miles on every purchase, find new jobs?"

These are great questions, little chip-chips. And while there would ostensibly be some degree of job fallout from the eradication of credit cards, most people at credit card companies will be able to do the same thing they do now … except Apple will be their benevolent overlord instead. In fact, American Express and Visa have already signed deals with Apple to work with them on this futuristic fiduciary change. 

Looks like Apple will soon be the creditor deity we all pray to.

However, the process of obliterating credit cards is slow. Currently, only 5.5% of business in the US accept Apple Pay. But with the launch of the Apple Pay-capable iPhone 6, we're predicting that number to increase dramatically.

It's not the first time a company has tried to create a mobile wallet, but past attempts have failed because they lacked the scale, security, and technological innovation that Apple offers. But, owning the world as they do, Apple's size, strength, and alluring good looks could make them the first company to successfully murder all credit cards ever.

However a peculiar aspect befalls this seemingly great enterprise; your phone will contain your entire purchase history, which should be easily hackable or visible to the NSA, who will squint their eyes and wonder what you're doing with 100 pounds of Otter Pops and a pickaxe. So, if you do need to purchase materials to bury the body with, make sure and use cash.

But with all this new innovation and change, one question still remains … can Apple Pay cut cocaine into six perfect lines? Can it serve as a guitar pick when no true pick is handy? Can you use it to break into your own house when you lock yourself out for the 37th time this month? We both know the answer to that. And that's why we'll be keeping our defunct, hated, and underused credit cards in a safe in an undisclosed missile silo somewhere in eastern Colorado. Good day.