Who needs Mickey ears and Splash Mountain when you could have tanks and assault rifles?

The bear-riding “president” of Russia, Vladimir Putin, has taken his dick-measuring contest against America to a whole new level, challenging the one kick-ass thing America still has: amusement parks.

Putin is well known for his love of children, and we’re sure he only wants the best for all of mother Russia’s little comrades. That’s why he chose to build “Patriot Park” without any of the lame rollercoasters or attractions that Disney World has.

Instead, Russia’s latest and greatest amusement park skipped over the usual, puppy-eyed characters with jolly smiles and perfect hair and went straight for the tanks and missile launchers. Because nothing says “family fun” more than strapping your child into a working tank and letting them pretend to blow up enemies of the state.

The new park displays field after field of Russian military equipment, all fair game for children to climb on. Everything imaginable from tanks, to armored cars, to fighter jets and even missiles are on display and open to the public. The park is also set to feature full-scale reenactments of major Russian and Soviet Union battles, as well as live demonstrations of Russia’s latest defense weapons.

Apparently, Putin thinks it’s more important for a 12-year-old to remember their first time shooting a grenade launcher instead of remembering their first time successfully leaving Elitch Gardens without pissing their pants. Why would a kid want to spend $35 on a T-shirt when they could head home with a souvenir weapon taken straight form Russian military surplus?

The only thing more surprising than Russia’s new amusement park is the fact that America didn’t cook one up first. I mean let’s be real: who doesn’t want to sit in a tank and drive it around? It sounds like the perfect N.R.A. camping trip.

So next time your family offers to take you to an amusement park, refuse, and demand that you wont be going anywhere unless you can legally blow shit up at the expense of the American military. Because, if Russians are allowed to do it, then we are too.