Looks like we're gonna have to amputate those hands …

Scientists don't like it when you do cocaine.

Unfortunately, they've all teamed up to create a brand new, scary-accurate cocaine detection system that does nothing more than scan your fingerprints to suss out whether you've been using your nasal sinuses as a coco storage facility.


Researchers at England's University of Surrey developed the test, which is so specific that it can differentiate between people who have ingested cocaine and people who've merely touched it. In turn, the results of those tests are likely to be used to inform sentencing times and discourage people from making miniature Japanese zen blow gardens.

The test uses a clever method of finding out how much laxative-laced white pony you snorted:

"When someone has taken cocaine, they excrete traces of benzoylecgonine and methylecgonine as they metabolize the drug, and these chemical indicators are present in fingerprint residue," says Dr. Melanie Bailey from Surrey. And it doesn't matter how you ingest it; whether you shoot it up your ass, snort it through a $1 off a Maybelline compact, parachute it, or rub it in your already-bleeding gums, the metabolic byproducts still come out the tips of your fingers.

Of course, this new technology is being hailed as a gleaming triumph of fun-busting science in circles of people who previously had to rely on blood and urine to bust nose candy users. Their days of wading through your frothy piss in search of cocaine byproducts are over! But while we're so happy for them that we sent them a congratulatory yellow ice cream cake, we're also really going to miss the times we had peeing in a cup while they watched, a slight grimace of what we can only assume was awe spread across their weathered faces. Those were the days.

This research could lead to the introduction of portable drug tests for police in the next decade. And that's a scary thought if you have a propensity for powder. But the good news is that with that time frame, there's more than enough time to exfoliate your fingerprints off!