As anyone with or without testicles knows, you don't need to take up seventeen subway seats to accommodate their mass. That's why New York's MTA is launching a new ad campaign that cracks down on the inconsiderate scourge of "manspreading," otherwise known the phenomenon in which men sit with their legs spread open in a wide V-stance, taking up valuable subway seat space with their sperm crock pots so that no one else can sit near them.

As anyone with or without testicles knows, you don't need to take up seventeen subway seats to accommodate their mass. That's why New York's MTA is launching a new ad campaign that cracks down on the inconsiderate scourge of "manspreading," otherwise known the phenomenon in which men sit with their legs spread open in a wide V-stance, taking up valuable subway seat space with their sperm crock pots so that no one else can sit near them.

Manspreading. It's hotter than your balls right now. Manspreading.

Starting in January, MTA's campaign will target men who think their balls are more deserving of a seat than a decrepit granny or Vietnam paraplegic taking the subway. Apparently, this has become a real problem in New York. Since as many as 6.1 million people rode the subway on any given day in 2014, which is significantly up from just under 5.1 million riders ten years ago, subway space has become increasing limited.

Presumably, manspreading occurs because of ball sweat, and an unfounded male fear that hot balls spell dead sperm. That's why the new campaign is a wee-bit controversial; many men see the manspreading crackdown as an infringement of their biological right to non-mutated spermies.

But no matter. The public service advertisements meant to squeeze the balls of manspreading will read, "Dude…Stop the Spread, Please." Conversational!

Here's a prototype:

No more, New York. No more. Your balls will boil.

Imagine how many nurses can't get to their hospitals because of sweaty balls causing crowded subways and travel delays. Imagine how many mothers can't reach their sick children. How many Subway sandwich artists are late to work making us chicken bacon clubs, all because balls got too hot.

To explore the frontline of this bloody ball battle, Gothamist sent a reporter to find out whether men thought their own level of penis display was appropriate given the crowdedness of the subways. Here's a visual of that sentence:

Hopefully, between the ballbreaking work of that Gothamist reporter and MTA's castrating campaign, manspreading can be stopped.

But, if MTA's ads don't work to curb the epidemic of manspreading, they could always try something a little more direct, like these British ads for proper subway behavior:

Another option: If you don't want men to split themselves down the middle like a peeled, well-endowed banana next to you and your children, then you'd better start supplying them pants that have cool, circulated air in the penis region. Only then will the world truly function in peace.