If you love Nitrous Oxide, you and your canisters of devil’s shart are no longer welcome at UK’s Glastonbury Festival.

Does any one of the three brain cells you’ve got left enjoy gassing itself up on a limping experience of Nitrous Oxide? Well, that’s unfortunate, because you and your canisters of devil’s shart are no longer welcome at UK’s Glastonbury Festival.

In an online request posted yesterday from the co-ordinator of Glastonbury’s Green Fields, Liz Eliot, the problem has seemingly gotten so out of hand she’s appealing to the masses to stop the whippet madness.

“Sadly the King’s Meadow has lost its way,” writes Eliot. “It’s become known as a place where people take nitrous oxide, a damaging drug which pollutes our beautiful field with noise, litter and N2O gas (a greenhouse gas which is 298 times more polluting than carbon dioxide). Nitrous oxide is also dangerous: an exploding canister was the source of a major injury at last year’s Glastonbury.”

She goes on to say the “stone circle” — where many of the “woo-hoo’n’shit” revelers convene — represents the stars of the constellation Cygnus and is a sacred space not meant for dopey out-of-body experiences while Coldplay jams in the background. In fact, she says, it’s a place where people are “irrevocably changed by their interaction with the Spirit.”

So, uh, it kind of sounds like a whippet trip anyways? What she’s saying is that we get in touch with the spirit without using the goofy gas? This revelation just saved us many tens of dollars!

And if you’re still not convinced this is an actual problem requiring an actual plea for it to stop: Last year volunteers at the Glastonbury Festival picked up two “tonnes” of canisters, by hand, from the site.

When asked to comment about the new suggestion, a completely fabricated source told us, “I don’t think anybody can really stop us from making our own whipped cream on site at the festival. I mean, that’s all we really do with it anyways. Here, hold my balloons …”

We have a certain inkling this guy won't be in attendance this year though …