This is the only way to find true, lasting love. 

Are you obsessed with the awesomeness that is bacon? Do you ever dream about licking its grease off the navel of your lover? Well, good news weirdos! You can now turn that dream into a reality.

Oscar Meyer’s new Sizzl app allows bacon lovers to virtually connect nationwide. “With the launch of Sizzl, we’re thrilled to give our true bacon lovers the chance to find each other and potentially meet their soulmates, in life and in bacon,” said Eric Dahmer, marketing director at Oscar Mayer in a statement.

And it's not even a joke. As you're reading this, two strangers are probably porking over their love of bacon. 

How Sizzl Works:

When you open the Sizzl app, it automatically signs you in through Facebook, allowing everyone to see that you don’t fuck around when it comes to bacon. Well, in this case…

It then guides you to Sizzl’s terms and conditions page, although “page” is an understatement. You must scroll through eternity, past your marriage, past your boring future job, past your retirement, until you are old and spotted and have basically turned to dust until you finally arrive at the acceptance button. Jesus, the thing goes on forever. What are they afraid of? It’s not like eating large amounts of fried pig fat can give you a heart attack or anything. Wait…

So after you’ve scrolled your life away, the app asks you a series of generic questions, like location, gender, and interests. The questions then get a little more specific, such as:

Favorite bacon meats, types of bacon, how selfish you are with your bacon, and then this one:

“If a friend tried to serve you bacon flavored with liquid smoke, you’d:
a. Stick it in their eye
b. Eat it politely, even though its clearly not that good
c. Discreetly crumble it up in your napkin”


So let’s just back up a minute and see how us filthy animals have taken online dating to a whole new level. How have we advanced from courtship to hardcore porn in your mom’s basement? Fortunately, due to technological advancement, you don’t even have to leave your man cave to find that soulmate! Today, all you need is a computer or a phone, a desire to be loved, and a lengthy dry spell.