The former prisoner reportedly won it in a settlement against correctional officers and doctors for negligence after they allowed his six-day-long erection to go untreated.

If only we had a dollar for every boner that gets popped in federal prison, we'd be richer than God.

However, New York man Rodney Cotton somehow managed to cheat the dick-dollar system by getting $750,000 out of just one, very special little boner. The former prisoner reportedly won it in a settlement against correctional officers and doctors for negligence after they allowed his six-day-long erection to go untreated, leaving him with permanent penile uselessness.

“They took my manhood!” said Cotton. “It’s embarrassing. We’re here to create. I can’t perform my duties as a man.”

Cotton had been prescribed Resperidal, an anti-psychotic drug bipolar disorder, but suffered the adverse side effect of popping an everlasting erection that has left him with “permanent injuries and loss of function" to his wang zone.

While in the can, he complained to the corrections officers and doctors of “difficulty walking” and of other pain due to his perma-boner, but he was told that his case was not an emergency and was given an ice pack and some Tylenol and told to wait it out. Predictably enough, the erections of inmates don't seem to be a priority on the list of correctional concerns.

“I had to wear briefs or boxers. I couldn’t wear jeans,” Cotton said. “They had me walking around like that for almost a week.”

Finally, he saw a third doctor, who sent him to the hospital for emergency services. There, he also had stitches, which he was told would fall out on their own but instead became embedded in the skin of his penis, causing further injury.

“If I had the choice between the reward and having my manhood restored, I’d have my manhood restored in a heartbeat,” he said.

Well, with $750K now in his bank account, we're more than confident modern science should be able to craft him a fancy new phallice, one that could conceivably have greater mass than the one before.

Lesson learned: Want a bigger penis? Just go to jail.