Whether you’re basking in the holy light of the 1% or just a transplant from New Jersey who feels out of place when not surrounded by Dunkin’ Donuts and Snookis, our 2014 glamorous camping guide is sure to make you feel just a little less homeless on your Colorado camping excursion.

Whether you’re basking in the holy light of the 1% or just a transplant from New Jersey who feels out of place when not surrounded by Dunkin’ Donuts and Snookis, our 2014 glamorous camping guide is sure to make you feel just a little less homeless on your Colorado camping excursion.

Poler X Stumptown Camp Coffee Kit // $125

Nothing says “I live outdoors” quite like forgoing your morning cup of rare-batch Ecuadorian Cariamanga coffee. Thankfully, this camp coffee kit has everything you need to caffeinate outside the marble walls of your regular coffeehaus: a Porlex burr grinder, Aeropress brewer, filters, and a proper wooden stirring paddle, all inside a custom Poler travel bag. Just remember: pinkies out when you sip the coffee’s sweet nectar, because you’re camping, darling, not homeless.

Campfire Cologne // $12.95

Let’s face it; the closest you’ve ever come to a campfire is the ironic screensaver on your clap-activated digital fireplace. Well thank heavens we found you this campfire cologne. Because although you have no idea how to make a real fire, a few spritzes of this pungent smoky stuff is sure to make you come back smelling like you do.

Dsquared Hung-Up Ankle Boot // $1,135

   
Thanks to these boots, you never have to sacrifice haut style for comfort and utility again. Allthe bears, deer, and bushes will positively gush at these sartorial forest slippers as you strutyourself on the forest floor, laughing in the face of any water or nature detritus that tries to findits way into your shoes. Plus, if your personal chef has dysentery and you’re on the hunt forfood, just wade through the nearest river and you’ll be sure to skewer enough fish on thesesuckers to stock a Long John Silver’s for day.

Pendleton Camp Blanket w/ Straps // $149

Why sleep in a tent if the inside of the tent looks like the inside of a tent? Spruce things up a bit and take your tent from looking from an Occupy Wall Street encampment to the front-window display at Pottery Barn with this wool masterpiece from Pendleton. Its fashionably rugged, yet unfashionably warm and useful fabric will trick you into thinking you’re relaxing at your Aspen cabin, not holed up at some peasant campground. Plus, it’s got straps so you don’t chip a nail ornlook like a vagrant trying to carry it.

Inflatable Chesterfield Sofa Bed // $96

    
When you said you “wouldn’t be able to sleep on the ground because your new breast implantscan’t take that kind of gravity,” we took your aversion to the earth’s floor to mean you’d like to befloating three feet above it, so, voilà. Normally, you wouldn’t be caught dead on a multifunctionalsofa-bed-chaise-lounge, but since you can only fit one luxurious piece of furniture in yourMini Cooper, this blow-up princess is gonna be your ticket to a beauty rest tonight. By day,it’s suitable for use as a fainting couch, but by night, it’s a king-sized mattress, perfect foraccommodating your Eyes Wide Shut-themed Roman orgy. And yes, it comes with an air pump so you can leave the blowing to the aforementioned orgy.

BioLite CampStove // $129.95

    
As you and the rest of your country club surely know by now, the only thing more importantthan having a functioning stove to purify river water and cook the bacteria out of wild squirrelis having a WiFi single and enough battery life to access your Candy Crush empire. Enter theCampStove, a fuel-less portable stove that doubles as a thermoelectric generator. The excessheat energy from the stove combustion powers its USB port, which in turn powers your preciousfleet of Apple products.

Meet Earl Survival Tablet // $299

            
Hunting knife? Ew. Waterproof jacket? Puke. First aid kit? Please. When it comes to glampingsurvival, you need something a little more sleek than Louis and Clark’s packing list … like atouch-screen tablet! The Meet Earl Survival Tablet is fully loaded with GPS, a weather sensor,barometer, thermometer, compass, AM/FM/SW/LW radio, solar charging, Bluetooth 4.0, builtin walkie-talkie that works up to 20 miles and Android 4.1 displayed on a e-ink screen for lowbattery consumption.It won’t help you if you come across a bear and need to defend yourself,but it’ll help you decide whether to wear your L.L. Bean Vest or your Northface parka.

Orange Solar Tent // probably too high for you

Rounding out our list of glamping items is this robot-alien tent from Orange. This solar powered sucker shelter has the ability to communicate with your fellow campers by simply sending them a motherfucking text message to their mobile phone, then immediately illuminating so they don’t lose the tent while they’re out riding their ATVs that cost more than your college education. An LCD display provides a vital wireless internet signal and displays the amount of solar energy generated, and that solar energy goes straight to heating the floor of the tent. Because everyone knows cold feet are poor person feet.