This morning news outlets everywhere woke up to a gift from the gods of tabloid trash. Justin Bieber was arrested in Miami, FL on multiple charges. The worst of those being drag racing and driving under the influence of something – reportedly both drugs and alcohol. You can’t possibly trace all that back to us, Miami police, so don’t even try.

But this isn’t unique to Hollywood in the least. Superstars the likes of the Biebs get in trouble all the time and while a good handful of us are interested at the time of the occurrence; very little care about what actually happens down the road. Most of us can guess that his lawyers are working around the clock on his case right now looking for loopholes and ways to circumvent any kind of punishment.

It’s justice for all, right? That is if “all” means you’re worth enough to pay off the courts in a not-so-secretive fashion. Had this been a normal, average waged making citizen committing the same kind of offenses, he or she would have their lives ruined and the tight grasp of the courts would see that there would be stiff penalties down the road for the offender. But what do we know, we're just honest normies trying to get by like everyone else.

But let the brutally honest flag fly: Bieber won’t see any jail time aside from the few hour sobering session he’s in now, and will most likely not feel any repercussions from this immature and socially reckless melee.

The storyline is old, tired and predictable. That’s why we’re making it a point this morning to guesstimate exactly what’s going to happen in the coming months surrounding his Miami episode:

  • The Biebs will fly back to L.A. within minutes of being released and hang his head in shame, sunglasses and hood on, while photographers and media vultures have a heyday with the non-news gift of interest.
  • His people will issue a “heartfelt” but mostly bullshit apology to “his fans, to who he’s hurt in the process and that he’s thankful for the support.”
  • By the end of the week he’ll check himself into an undisclosed rehab center. More bullshit.
  • Two weeks will pass and he’ll be released, declaring that he’s a new man. Because rehab works best when it’s only for 14 days. Unbelievable bullshit.
  • His people will keep him out of clubs, he’ll make a few songs about redemption and soul searching and make the rounds on national television shows begging for us to believe that he’s seen the fault of his ways. Then can we stop caring?
  • By now his highly paid attorneys will have cut deals with both the Miami courts and the LA courts seeing that Bieber receive little in the ways of punishment. Eventually we can only assume he’ll go the trend of "Chris Brown-ing" and fuck up again, this time a little more severe, but each time the American public caring less and less.

Lindsey Vonn is out of the Olympics and now Bieber is in a pathetic little spiral. Apparently our Celebrity Death Predictions weren’t so far off. We could really make a career out of this whole celebrity predictability thing!