Most people think Coachella is crazy because of the crowds. The lineup. The direct sun-to-skin UV contact that leaves you with years of debilitating melanoma later on down the line.
But I'd argue it's crazy for a different reason: for the sex.
Even days before the festival begins, sex sites like Craigslist's casual encounters section are popping off with Coachella-themed sex requests, with many people offering to sell their bodies in exchange for tickets to stand behind a tall guy at Galantis and poop in an overflowing Honey Pot.
As one NSFW post from the Palm Springs Craigslist reads,
Coachella Tickets – m4m (la quinta)
Hello im Carlos 32 good looking, professional type. Staight guy that just loves going to coachella festival and will do anything to go. I want to see radiohead on Friday and thats it. Let me know, send me an email.
Did you read that? Carlos is straight, but he's willing to change his sexuality to see Radiohead from a football field's distance away in a swarming crowd of flower crowns and frat bros who swear to god Skrillex is still cool.
Good thing there's a lot of people who'll take people like Carlos up on that kind offer. Take this generous gentleman who is offering a lap of luxury in exchange for the right sir.
Coachella Music Festival m4m (Irvine)
Attending the Coachella Music Fest in late April and I am seeking to treat a compatible travel companion to a weekend of great music and evening bliss.
This could be a great weekend escape for a college age (or thereabouts say 18 – 32) guy. I have an extra GA pass and shuttle pass as well. Also accommodations in a nice hotel on the shuttle line. Again.. my treat.
Ladies looking to sell themselves for Coachella tickets have options, too. There's always this guy from the L.A. Craigslist, who is offering a wristband in exchange for what I can only assume is premarital sex.
Be my Coachella buddy – m4w (Coachella)
Be my fivesixtwo sixfivethree sevenzero three five. Coachella buddy. I have your wristband you just need to be pleasant to be around. April 14thru16
In addition to tickets, some kind souls are even offering a place to stay for the festival in exchange for some lovin'. Festival accommodations are, after all, mucho more dollars than the average person has, especially after dropping unknown hundreds on a wristband.
Hey Coachella fest guys. You need a place to stay? – m4m
Message me if you have a big cock. You wouldn't have to pay for a room or anything. Just let me suck you up. I love big cocks and I'll make your Coachella experience even better. I live close by the festival
Already got your wristband and accommodations covered? No problem. People are still looking for weird Coachella sex.
Hey guys! I'll be at the Coachella Fest this weekend and I'm looking to hook up str8 clean guys with some bomb deepthroat head! Just be disease free, clean (not smelly) and str8 or bi. Mostly interested in black guys but as long as ur dick is big its ok. Guys camping hit me up too.. Been told I give better head than most girls so hit me up. Send pic with email or I'll just delete ur message. So let me hook that dick up while ur raving at Coachella 😉
Here's a real gem:
Fuck me during Beyonce – w4m (Coachella)
I've always wanted to have a deep dick inside me during Lemonade. Lets meet up earlier on and if you pass my Beyonce test you can have all of me during Queen B.
Damn! Hope they use a condom so they don't have a Destiny's Child.
… But they'll be fine, I think, since Beyonce's not even playing anymore. Sad.
To set the mood even more, Reddit is also lighting up with people sharing their stories of Coachella hookups past.
"I saw a dude fucking a girl in front of him during Swedish House Mafia," writes user sharkiest. "He had his dick out of his zipper and just lifted up the girl's skirt. They were pretty low-key about it and I wouldn't have noticed it if the chick didn't grab my hand thinking it was his. I just moved to the other side of my friend group."
The forum is filled with accounts of people fucking in the campground showers, in tents, and right there on the ground where they form a human speed bump. Romantic!
The Reddit group r/CoachellaSluts is really ramping up too, as people both benevolently and maliciously post photos of scantily clad Coachella attendants for some, god damn reason unknown to me, you or the universe.
For other people though, Coachella is a place of maximum romance.
Once Redditor, Graxiano, posted on the r/Coachella thread that he's planning on proposing to his girlfriend of three-and-a-half years at Weekend 1 because, "last year we went through a rough patch and we decided to take some time apart to think things over (we were long distance at the time also which was causing issues), I ended up going to Coachella without her, I missed her terribly the whole time I was at Coachella and realized that I never wanted to be anywhere without her again."
"Find an appropriate Father John Misty song," one commentor replied.
Nick and Britt*, a pair of Coachella vets that live in Los Angeles but look forward to that time of the year when the "music brings everyone together" actually met at the festival in 2013. They're currently engaged.
"He was standing by the Ferris wheel holding a cotton candy, and I walked up to him and told him I liked his totem," Britt giggles when I ask her to tell me how they met.
His totem was a Doge meme. Remember those?
I'm so moist.
Nick says they fell in love when they saw each other again during The xx (who is playing again this year). It was like a movie — their eyes met, the crowd parted, and the surge of hormones hit them harder than the molly they were on. Britt took him back to her tent, which was by then covered in dust and random people's flip flops, where they consecrated their love.
Spoiler alert: they both work at an ad agency.
Quite the range of emotions and bodily effusions at the country's largest music festival, no? I'd dare say Coachella's strange economy of ticket-sex and marriage is even more entertaining than the concert itself.
Don't believe me? Feast your eyes on this 56-year-old name Gordie's Craiglist ad for a "Coachella girlfriend."
Ok here's the deal. I have a VIP Pass for Weekend 2. I'm willing to give it away for free to the right person. I'm looking for a travel "companion" that can enjoy the festival with me and just have a good time. I left my job as Supervising Manager at Soup Plantation and subsequently divorced my wife of 11 years. I cashed out my 401k and decided that moving forward, my life is all about having fun! No more team meetings, no more employee evaluations, no more balance sheets, no more darn conference calls at 7am. JUST FUN! I have a room at the Tropics Motor Motel in Indio Thursday through Monday. If you believe you can meet the below criteria, please shoot me an email and describe why you think you make the best fit. I appreciate your time and look forward to finding the right "one"!
1. Must be female between the ages of 19 and 25
2. Must be comfortable traveling in a Recreational Vehicle (Vintage Shasta Chinook 3100 – pic attached).
3. Must have fashionable sense of style in the vein of typical coachella goer (i.e. cute indian headband, small ripped jean shorts, lots of colorful bracelets, etc).
4. Preferably have a playlist of various Coachella artists on phone we can listen to on ride over.
5. Must keep hands and feet moisturized at all times.
6. Must be open-minded and opportunistic.
7. Must be ok with periodic hand-holding (perhaps during certain sensual songs and while walking into the festival initially).
8. Fingernails and Toenails must be nicely painted and harmonious with general color scheme of outfit.
9. I will provide snacks such as beef jerky and peanut butter sandwiches but if you have additional snacks and/or drinks…BIG BONUS!
10. Being social is fine but no excessive fraternizing with other male festival-goers, and most definitely NO PUBLIC AFFECTION with other festival-goers (violation of this rule results in immediate removal of Tropic Motor Motel room privileges and maybe even return ride).
11. Periodic moments of extended eye contact.
12. Allow me to brush your hair once per day (not mandatory, but encouraged).
13. Must not be into drugs, pot ok.
14. Must take a minimum of four photos of us together and post them to your Instigram account.
15. Any personal grooming such as toenail clipping, eyebrow plucking or lipstick application must be done in my presence.
16. At least once during festival, you must allow me to carry you on my shoulders so you can see stage better (perfect time for instigram photo!)
17. At least twice during the festival you must tell me in a playful manner that "I am naughty".
18. At some point in time during the festival you must tell me that "you didn't know how this would go, but you're actually having a really good time".
19. At least once during our stay after your shower, you must use the steam to write a cute message on the bathroom mirror for me to find later when I shower.
20. Must be ready to party and HAVE FUN!"
See you on the polo fields, Gordie. I'll be clipping my toenails and making extended eye contact at you.