Fifteen armed, adult men with rigorous police training were no match for Andrew Frey, who casually defended himself from their assault with one hand. His other hand? It had more important matters to attend to.

Andrew, Andrew, Andrew. Where do we start with you?

We'll begin at the end, and work backwards from there. It's the only way.

Andrew Frey stood in the restaurant, hulking, breathing hard, coursing with adrenaline. His muscles bulged. His teeth gnashed. His pants got really, really tight. He had been "acting out."

Terrified restaurant guests held each other in fright, silently praying to their respective gods that their asses would not, as they say, be turned to grass. The police were already on their way.

Fifteen police officers, to be exact. Fifteen grown-ass men with guns and tasers and years of police training; fifteen men who had seen some shit in their time; robberies and DUIs and such. But they'd seen nothing like they were about to witness.

They burst onto the scene, ready to beat some ass. Andrew began masturbating. He had become aroused sometime within the last 10 minutes.

"Aw, hell naw," the fifteen, fully-adult police officers exclaimed upon seeing this, as they rushed towards him, frothing at the mouth to be the one who took him down.

But Andrew had other plans. One-by-one, he fought off incoming officers with one hand. His other hand remained on his penis; he still had some masturbating to do, and he wasn't going to let some throng of rigorously-trained pigs keep him from getting his.

Man after man fell to the ground, subdued by Andrew's non-dick hand. And when a Taser wire fell upon his hulking frame, it too was defeated. Not even a jolt of electricity, one that would normally kill a man, could stop Andrew from publicly masturbating. The man didn't even bat so much as a veiny, throbbing eye. And that's called commitment.

Flash back to the present. How in the living fuck was Andrew able to accomplish such a godly display of pure, unbridled manhood?

Meth. So, so much meth.

Andrew had himself some poor man's cocaine, and blacked out, blissfully unaware that he had accomplished a physical feat that made the Hulk look like a certified puss.

Sometime later, he succumbed to police force, and was taken into custody in Marion County, Oregon and charged with public indecency, resisting arrest, and theft of services.

Although, we wish we could charge him with a count or two of being "a perfect specimen of masculinity and horniness." He's going to have a great time in jail. Or shall we say breaking out of it by flicking the wall with his finger. Sigh.