He's been a cornerstone of elementary school education. But we're not sure why … 

Don't you hate that guy that never knows exactly what three-day weekend we're celebrating and therefore can't properly participate in the appropriate festive drinking games? You know, the one that never knows if it's Labor Day or Memorial Day or Thanksgiving or Martin Luther King Day? We do. Don't be that guy this Columbus Day weekend.

Instead, this Columbus Day weekend, you can feel smug about being the smart one in your goon squad. We've put together a little Columbus Day fact sheet and drinking game guide to help move matters along. Let's get right into it.

All you need to know is who Christopher Columbus is. (If you don't remember who Columbus is from the third grade lessons with white men in funny hats and buckled shoes … well then you probably don't deserve to be getting fucked up this weekend and I can't help you.)

Tally ho!

First things first. Columbus discovered America on October 12, 1492, according to folklore and babbling idiots we like to call historians. If it feels like October 12th, or like 1492, or if you're American, drink! (This works if you're of Western European descent, too.)

Now that we've covered the basics, anyone feeling a little geography lesson? We are. Every time you see a pear this weekend, feel free to draw a to-scale diagram of the world on it, with Spain accurately placed on the best part of the pear, India wherever it's convenient for your Sharpie vessel to sail to from Spain, and draw a circle around all of this and label it the New World. In 1492, the world was pear-shaped, because Columbus said so. But don't eat the pear. Drink!

Drink for every time you call America "India." Actually, drink for every time you call America whatever the fuck you want. Call everyone that looks different from you an Indian, and anytime you find yourself some place new, declare your jubilance for having found the long sought after shortcut to the West Indies! Drink!

And if you're someone who keeps getting called an "Indian" even in 2015, drink. You deserve it. 

This weekend is a celebration of taking things that we feel we deserve, even if it belongs to someone else. Oh, you think your buddy's girl is a dime and you'd love to do naughty things to her? Go for it! Your roommate has the bigger bedroom with the balcony because he's lived there longer or something? Fuck him, you're moving in! Are the indigenous neighbors sitting on a wealth of natural resources and gold? Not anymore they aren't! Like the conquistador you are… Drink!!!

If you're a real bos$ you can actually make people do you're conquistadoring for you. Find a bunch of inferior losers and call them the Tainos. Make them bring you gold. If they don't meet their quota, chop their hands off. And since it's pretty hard to drink a beer with no hands, you can take their beer, too. Laugh maniacally and drink.

Now for the fun part. Your favorite sailing vessel is called the Pinta, because she's the fastest of Columbus' fleet. Yeah she is … because "pinta" is Spanish for prostitute (yes really … we read it on the Internet). Let's drink to you cruising around on your favorite prostitute this weekend, conquering the New World one gold nugget and two indigenous smokeshows at a time!

But what about the haters? Did somebody say Cabeza de Vaca? The Spaniard who actually discovered mainland America, landed off the coast of Florida, crawled naked through the beaches of Miami, became one with the natives, and walked to Texas over the course of nine years? Fuuuuuuck him! He didn't get a three-day binge-drinking weekend named after him, did he?

And hold on… are you from Colorado? Drink baby, drink! Colorado was the first state to recognize Columbus Day as an official holiday back in 1906. Be proud of your trailblazing heritage.

On Monday morning, take a look around at all the riches you've acquired and all the greatness you've achieved. Yeah, you may have a bleeding eyeball due to a case of Reiter’s Syndrome from your fourth voyage, a pounding headache, and some flaring syphilis, but you can just drop all of that off in the Old World and bounce. And if you're still feeling some residual self-loathing, just rest assured by telling yourself that God made you do it. Because he did.

Class dismissed.