Like it or not, transplants are the reason that Colorado is filthy rich right now …
If you live in Colorado, you may have noticed a couple of fun new updates to your regular routine and surroundings lately.
Your daily commute: Used to take 20 minutes. Now it takes two hours.
Your beautiful green space: Used to be green. Now it's covered in garbage. So many half-eaten turkey sandwiches and unwanted dildos.
Your rent: Oh, man, your rent. Used to be a quarter of your monthly income. Now you're living with your mom and stepdad Terry who you used to hate but now realize makes a really mean steak, so you're slowly letting him into your circle of trust.
Things are different here now than they used to be. Know why?
It's because people can't stop fucking moving to Colorado. Our state is experiencing an unprecedented population growth, and the influx of hundreds of thousands of newbies per year is taking a toll on our environment and bank accounts.
Posted by a user called "The City of Denver," the petition author states, "We are sick and tired of everyone flooding into our beautiful state and destroying it."
Claiming to be a fourth-generation native of Colorado, the author bemoans Colorado's insane new traffic, the destruction of nature areas like Hanging Lake (which they say had to close down because there was so much garbage on the trail), and the slew of "inconsiderate transplants" that come from places like New Jersey to wreck havoc on our once-idyllic lives.
"The situation is out of control," it continues. "Gov. John Hickenlooper it is time for you to show us that you really care about Colorado and stop all of these transplants from invading our state."
As of press time, about 1,200 people have signed the petition. Only 1,500 are needed to alert someone in the Big House that people are pissed. If you sign now, you can make all the difference in keeping Colorado free from blah blah blah and blah.
Let's be honest for a minute though. You can sign this petition if you want. You can put your name in big black font and feel like you're making a difference.
You won't be.
Like it or not, transplants are the reason that Colorado is filthy rich right now. Our booming marijuana and tech industries and our explosive housing market may rise prices for us as individuals and cause inconveniences like trash and traffic, but the flooding transplants are flooding our economy. No state government in their right mind is going to put a cap on that. Just being realistic here.
Plus, you know who wanted to created a homogenous, closed society? Nazis. The runways at D.I.A. are already conspicuously and horrendously shaped like a swastika as it is, so let's not go and do anything else to encourage that thinking, mmkay?
New neighbors can be a good thing, guys. Bring them neighborly gift basket, welcome them to the best state ever, and kindly remind them to leave two hours earlier than they think they have to in order to get to work on time. This is just life here now. Adapt or die?