In other words, how well do you fit the Colorado stereotype?
Being that Colorado is home to the country’s largest population of outdoor fetishists and literal freaks of nature, it’s good to compare your own enthusiasm for fresh air to that of those around you so you can asses your level of normalcy/psychosis. That’s why we made you this quiz.
Now you’ll finally know your place, young tadpole.
1. When you see a Subaru decked out with climbing gear and backpacking gear, you …
A. Change your underwear
B. Silently congratulate them on their healthy lifestyle
C. Apathetically stare through it because life is meaningless
D. All of the above
2. You can’t go hiking without …
A. Your homemade spirulina-chia granola and a harpoon
B. Some good sunblock, UV rays are assholes
C. Wearing your shitty pair of New Balance shoes
D. A car … because you’re staying the fuck inside.
3. Pick a shoe. Any shoe.
B. Some kind of athletic shoe
C. Slip-ons or flats
D. Stilettos or vintage Armani oxfords
4. Oh, look. A river. What do you do?
A. Kayak down it screaming
B. Take a nice little dip
C. Sit next to it and picnic, audibly pondering the nature’s inherent force
D. Shut your eyes
5. You get separated from the group and are left wandering the trail alone. The sun is setting. You …
A. Aren’t worried because you’ve already made a tree fort and killed an elk that you’re sleeping inside for warmth and shelter
B. Start a fire, hoping someone will notice. You’ll burn down this forest if you have to.
C. Try to stream Man vs. Wild on your phone. Oh wait, you don’t have service … BUT HOW WILL YOU SNAPCHAT THIS?
D. Just sit down. Someone will find you. You are wearing a neon “VS PINK” hoodie afterall.
6. You’re hiking uphill and you see someone coming towards you downhill. What do you do?
A. Stop and let them pass, but not before going “Hi!” and grilling them about the best climbing routes to scale in the area.
B. Smile and nod and keep going. You’ve got a summit to summit!
C. Expect them to stop because of the laws of physics then awkwardly shuffle around each other.
D. Freeze until they pass, then exhale slowly. It’s over. It’s all over.
7. What’s a carabiner?
A. A coupling link with a safety closure, used by rock
climbers most notably in safety-critical conditions.
B. An enclosure within an ice face in which you can safely insert gear.
C. Maybe a funny protrusion of rock … or a type of marmot?
D. What isn’t a carabiner? You’re out of here.
8. What’s the best part about Mother Nature?
A. It’s like an infinite playground, and we were all born from her, man.
B. It’s refreshing and helps you stay grounded in this crazy modern world.
C. It’s easy on the eyes.
D. You can bury your meth money in it.
Mostly A’s: Full-fledged addict
If someone asked you if you loved your mother or the outdoors more, you’d be like “Sandy, who?” You’re a board-certified nature addict and the pitch-perfect stereotype of what people think people from Colorado are like. You have 0% body fat, you’re relentlessly optimistic, you have terrible style and you’re either so rich that you have time to cultivate hobbies like ice climbing or cross-country skiing, or so poor that living outside is just where you live. Your blood is made of granola and everything you own is both lightweight and waterproof.
Mostly B’s: Outdoor amateur
You really like the outdoors, but you’re no professional. You can keep up when it comes to camping or hiking, but your knowledge of the outdoors largely comes from the people around you who do things like start the fires and help you figure out how to keep your tent from imploding. One time you tried something crazy like bird watching and you convinced yourself you liked it, but let’s face it, you’ll never go again. You’ll swim in rivers because you can see the bottom, but not lakes because they smell bad. You don’t have a Subaru, is what we’re saying.
Mostly C’s: Tolerant
You go outside because it seems like that’s a thing people do, but when it comes to fervor for nature, you’re the definition of “meh.” Sure, you’ll sit by a placid lake and not want to kill yourself. Sure you’ll go on a hike, provided it’s not too far in. Sure you’ll sleep outside, but you best believe by “outside” you mean “in an RV.” On a pretty day, you’ve been known to Instagram a sunset, but your photos only get like 23 likes. You went on some road trips as a tot, but they all sucked because you got sprayed by a skunk and then your parents got divorced.
Mostly D’s: Allergic to sunlight
It’s like you were synthesized in a lab and have never relished in the cool breeze and warm sunshine. You are probably implanted with a microchip and might evaporate if rain touches you. You might be into fitness, but that fitness takes place in a gym or not at all. You have a small animal that you put shoes on. You find the Mall of America and outlet malls to be acceptable forms of entertainment, and one time you probably got stung by a bee on your asshole, forever ruining nature in your eyes.