Well, that settles it. We're as good as dead.
Everyone can agree that smoking cigarettes is stupid. We've had thousands of studies over the last 30 years declaring that it'll kill you. Whenever you see someone huddled outside, trying to block the wind with their jacket so they can light their smoke, we can all glare smugly and know they'll meet an early grave. But now, people will look at you just like that when you're face-first in a giant plate of bacon.
Hope you're ready for some depressing news.
Red meat will probably give you ass cancer. Thanks, Obama.
The World Health Organization report, which was drafted by 22 international experts, makes a clear case for processed meats being "carcinogenic for humans" and says that eating basically two slices of bacon a day raises your chance of getting cancer by 18 percent. It also says that eating regular old red meat is probably a terrible idea too, classifying it as "probably carcinogenic."
The review by the WHO's International Agency for Research on Cancer (IARC), released on Monday, put processed meat in its group 1 list, which also includes tobacco and asbestos, for which there is "sufficient evidence" of cancer links.
The classification for red meat — defined as all types of mammalian meat, including beef, lamb and pork — reflected "limited evidence" that it causes cancer. The IARC found links mainly with bowel cancer, but it also observed associations with pancreatic and prostate cancer.
“In view of the large number of people who consume processed meat, the global impact on cancer incidence is of public health importance,” IARC official Kurt Straif said in a statement. For an individual, the risk of getting cancer from eating processed meat was statistically “small”, the agency said, but “increases with the amount of meat consumed. Each 50-gram (1.8-ounce) portion of processed meat eaten daily increases the risk of colorectal cancer by 18 percent,” the WHO said in a statement. For unprocessed red meat — beef, veal, pork, lamb, mutton, horse or goat, the review found “strong” evidence of a cancer-causing effect, but not sufficient to place it in the same group of cancer-causing agents as tobacco smoke, asbestos, and now also processed meat.
Goddamn, that's sad. So in summary, chain-smoking cigarettes and huffing asbestos is just as healthy as eating red meat. Fuck. We'd like a bacon-themed funeral, please and thank you.