We're 100 percent sure this would have had a different outcome if Facebook were around back then …

You will hear a lot of things about Peyton Manning in the next couple of months. From the storyline of his career and how he is one of the greatest ever, to his possible retirement, to the allegations of HGH use that no one in NFL seems to give a shit about because he isn’t Tom Brady — all manufactured narrative used to hype the golden anniversary of the game. He's media gold right now.

But with the media overwhelmed by Cam Newton’s perfect goddamn smile and the amount of fun he has while playing, amongst dozens of other storylines, everyone will surely miss out on one of the great football scandals of our time. That being the time Peyton Manning sexual assaulted a female trainer by tea-bagging the fucking bejeezus out of her when he was a junior at the University of Tennessee. An event we would like to officially dub "Tea-rainer Gate."

The year was 1996: a magical time when Walkmans were still a thing people used, AOL was starting to blow shit up and Independence Day was the #1 movie in in the country. It was a simpler time when cell phones were the size of a Subway foot long and priests could still get away with fucking kids on the DL. It was also the year when Peyton Manning dipped his sweaty Manning meatballs into the face of female trainer Jamie Ann Naughright.

At the time, the star QB was having his foot examined by Naughright because he had fragile little ballerina feet all the way back in 1996, too. Who knew? As Naughright was bent over looking at his papier-mâché metatarsals, Manning decided it would be a good idea to give her a taste of his Tennessee Volunteers taint.

Manning allegedly pulled his shorts down; when Naughright stood up she got full on ass and balls to the face. As Naughright described it, “It was the Gluteus Maximus, the rectum, the testicles and the area in between the testicles. And all that was on my face when I pushed him up.” Which really doesn’t sound good at all. Especially so when you consider the fact that the rectum is an internal organ. 

The trainer reported the incident immediately and waited for the University of Tennessee to take action. Manning has claimed he was mystified by the whole encounter, explaining it was a joke gone wrong and he was just mooning his friend across the room, that the trainer stood up at an unfortunate time. The University did very little to resolve the incident. The only punishment he received was not being able to eat in the athlete dining hall and going on supervised runs at 6 am for two weeks. Which must have really sucked because 6 am is super early when you’re in college.

In the weeks following the incident, Manning was accused of repeatedly taunting the trainer by reenacting the incident and calling her a bitch. Naughright eventually sued the University of Tennessee for mishandling the sexual assault case and was awarded $300,000 with the stipulation that she step down from her position. She left the university, but this was not the end of the tea-bagging saga. 

In his 2000 book, Manning referenced Tea-rainer Gate and talked shit about Naughright again. She then sued him for defamation and was awarded an undisclosed sum of money. Then in 2003, he again spoke of the incident in an ESPN documentary — which surprisingly wasn’t about his ridiculously flat face — thus violating a gag order prohibiting him from speaking of the incident. Once again, Naughright was awarded an undisclosed sum of money. But we are sure it was enough to buy a lot of Papa Johns Game Day Party Packs.

So did he do it? Did he maliciously tea bag a female trainer and shake his pasty white ass in her face? Perhaps. There are many differing accounts of the incident. Some witnesses say he did tea bag her and some say he was obviously mooning his friend across the room. Since the incident, Naughright has been the target of much criticism. Many have said that she blew the incident out of proportion and was solely motivated by money. But maybe Manning did tea bag her. We will never know what actually happened in the locker room.

Either way, this incident probably wouldn’t have happened if his feet weren’t made of glass.