Although you could never tell by looking at the latest crop of them, a new study from the Journal of Public Economics has revealed that Republican politicians are hotter than Democratic ones. In fact, people in all English-speaking countries tend to find conservatives better-looking … a finding which might actually influence voting patterns across the political spectrum.
Furthermore, the more attractive a politician is perceived to be, the more people are likely to assume he or she is conservative. Yes, because the minute we see a dashing hunk of testosterone-riddled man meat prancing around on the TV, our first thought is "That man wants to limit government spending!"
Conversely, the less face-sexy a politician is, the more people assume they're liberal.
… None of this explains Donald Trump. It's an imperfect science, we guess … but a science that actually tends to hold true outside of politics as well. These findings add to the steaming heap of existing research that suggests good-looking humans just have it better in life. There's much evidence to suggest that objectively hot people are viewed by others as kinder, more trustworthy, more competent and more likeable, all traits that have been proven to grant them more job interviews and higher paychecks than people not blessed with perfect symmetry and really bountiful butts.
Back to politics for a minute, though. This whole Cocks Out for Conservatives thing might mean that GOP candidates actually have an advantage over Democrats, simply because they tend to be hotter. If people tend to assume that more attractive politicians are conservative, and more attractive people are assumed to be better, more qualified people, voters might align themselves more with conservative initiatives just because of the way we subconsciously interpret the meaning of human attractiveness. The effect has actually been observed in election cycles all throughout history — across the board, good-looking conservative candidates tend to win more votes in elections than blah-looking liberals. Of course, this doesn't mean they always win the election, but it does prove that people vote with whatever damp erectile tissue lives between their legs.
“Politicians on the right are more beautiful than politicians on the left in Europe, the United States, and Australia,” the authors of the study write, adding that “their beauty advantage, all else equal, makes candidates on the right more likely to win office and implement their preferred policies.”
To explore this association between hotness and conservatism even further, researchers asked respondents to guess which political party a politician belonged to based on a photograph. More often than not, people correctly guessed whether someone was conservative if they were found to be better looking. They also correctly guessed liberal candidates if they were perceived to be more beautiful on the inside.
Why, though? Why are anti-LGBTQ, pro-life, pro-tax cut humanoids cut from a prettier cloth.
It's simple: money.
The study authors theorize that the only thing really differentiating conservative and liberal politicians is the girth of their pocketbooks. Since conservatives tend to be wealthier, it's possible they can afford to look better. In addition, since hot people are already more likely to earn more, their looks could create an additional increase in cash flow, expanding their options for healthy food, cosmetics, clothing, fitness, dental work, tanning and plastic surgery, and allotting them more time to exercise or pay someone to yell at them while they sweat on a treadmill.
According to the researchers:
A simple economic explanation of the appearance gap in favor of the right is that beautiful people earn more money, and the more people earn, the more they are inclined to oppose redistribution and, arguably, to support, get active in, and represent parties to the right. A more general psychological explanation could be that good-looking people are more likely to perceive the world as a just place, since they are treated better than others, and are happier, and a frequent reason for people to sympathize with the left is a perception of the world as unfair.
In a perfect world, politicians would just wear bags on their heads so our reptilian brains wouldn't be so overwhelmed by their meaningless superficial qualities, but the world is far from perfect. Instead, we're condemned to a future of bending to the will of evolution; of making assumptions on people's worth and capabilities based on how they look.
So, with that in mind, we're just going to assume Donald Trump is a gay-loving abortion doctor who spends all their free time enriching the arts and humanities and fighting climate change. Awesome!