12 simple methods for easy no-eating diets to clean your gut and change your life and renovate your house and please your man instantly!
As a woman, I know firsthand how much pressure society puts on females to be thin. Often, our worth is judged not by our intelligence, humor or the amount of money Uncle Rico left us when he died, but by how we look.
So, we turn to dieting to try to mold the perfect figure. We go gluten-free. We let go of sugar. We kiss Omega 6 fatty acids goodbye. We avoid blueberries and other solid foods. We cut out non-essential rodent protein. Problem is, it doesn't always work.
When the Atkins diet fails you and Paleo just makes you fart more, what's a girl to do?
Well, I'm here to tell you I've discovered a secret weapon to help women everywhere sort out these difficult body issues. It's called stock photography.
Shining like a light in the dark for weight-conscious ladies, stock photography shows us exactly what kinds of things women can do with food other than eat it. Because as the women in these photos know, not eating the food is the best way to stay trim. Yep, not eating the food is the one weird trick that's sure to keep the weight off so Jason will love you.
So, here are 12 things stock photography tells us that you can do with all that food aside from put it in your mouth. For you. For Jason. For all.
1. Make a necklace out of it and then sell it on Etsy for $42, money you can use to wax your Brazilian area for Jason.
2. Strangle yourself.
3. Display it prominently on your back. That's not where food goes! Good job!
4. Cover your body in a thick layer of it, then present yourself to Jason.
5. Curse the gods.
6. Emit a low, hissing gurgle. Pretend you're a defiant shark.
7. Sweep up a large pile of it and then laugh on it until Jason comes home.
8. Spicy thyroid exam? Jason will be pleased.
9. Put it on your head. Like a hat! Yeah, good. There you go.
10. Clutch it lovingly near your face to demonstrate how great of a mother you'd be but look away like you're not interested, but you are interested, you really are, you're starving and you don't care that what you're holding is just a few raw vegetables that would never go together in any conceivable way; you'd eat them, you'd eat them all, all day long, nom nom nom, you love yummies, YUMMIES ARE GOOD, YUMMIES ARE NICE, FOOD FOOD FOOOO — oh shit, Jason's coming.
11. Regurgitate it with a friend.
12. Hold the smallest possible amount of it uncomfortably near your bird-like frame and smile blankly to hide your dying spirit. There you go, you look great!