Not far from several states where cannabis is legal, near a Washington D.C. "pop-up pot shop" where weed is sold openly, there is in a musty basement with a scroll written, in fading cursive handwriting: "Marihuana is illegal."
Jeff Sessions, the tiny Golem-like keeper of the scroll, hunches in the darkness with a torch, taking swipes at anyone who dares flinch at his slur that marijuana is "only slightly less awful" than heroin.
Now, a group is taking the troll's flaming torch and lighting joints with it.
General Jeff's Old Rebel Session Papers are rolling papers with the face of the attorney general on the box. They're sold by a group of faceless satirists and activists who love civil disobedience and puns. "Sesh Responsibly," the box says. "Don't Beauregard That Joint!" "50 Sessions Per Pack." The group pledged 10 percent of profits toward legalization group Drug Policy Alliance. The papers reportedly leave an aftertaste like freedom.
Social media set the papers on fire, and the first batch sold out. Now the company, #JeffSesh, has restocked, with black and white boxes, selling for $5 each, that let you smoke up with Sessions. Calm your nerves about the country's drug laws being enforced by a Southern leprechaun who thinks THC causes violence and weed worsens the opioid crisis while disrespecting him in two different ways — breaking the law, and doing it with his face.
""We’re not criminals, junkies, or idiots," the satirists wrote on their site. "Regular Jeffs all over the country — good, responsible, patriotic Americans — have a sesh."
These seem destined to be collectors' items; funny memories of the days when fuzzy memories were outlawed.
Those old basement scrolls with the Controlled Substances Act crumble more every day — although wizard troll Sessions still protects them by stretching out his massive ears. Until you can sprinkle ganja on the scrolls and light them into history, General Jeff's session papers are as good as it gets.