We're no experts about pig-toss 'round these parts, but can take a stab at predicting the 2016/17 football season just like anyone else …

We're no experts about pig-toss 'round these parts, but can take a stab at predicting the 2016/17 football season just like anyone else …


Denver Broncos

What a difference a year makes.

The reigning Super Bowl champions might have had the roughest offseason out of all 32 teams in the NFL. What’s-his-face took his ball and ran to Houston, the Sheriff called it quits and a pro-bowl corner doesn’t remember shooting himself in the goddamn leg at a strip club. Thank goodness they have John Elway to keep this team from imploding.

But 2016 is a new season, and the biggest factor in repeating as champs remains: The league’s No. 1 defensive end, Von Miller. Miller got his way, and is now the highest grossing defensive player in the NFL with $114.5 million at stake — that’s an awful lot of sunglasses to buy. As long as nobody else gets shot, look for the Orange and Blue squad to be in top form come mid-season.

Now, the offensive side of the ball is a different story. Mark “butt-fumble” Sanchez leads the offense with backup Trevor Siemian and rookie Paxton Lynch not far behind on the depth chart. Only time will tell if Sanchez can actually win the job and keep it throughout the season; our guess is probably not though.

This season will be very different than fans are used to, but will still have the same result: 11-5 and a playoff run. They say defense wins championships, now it’s time for the Mile High Crew to prove that’s true.

Miami Dolphins

#WTFlorida: the chick with three boobs made a music video, a pet shop owner beat his employees with a lizard, they cannot keep their emu population in check and, oh yeah, the Dolphins are bad.

First year Coach Adam Gase brings a different outlook into 2016 but the same meteoric talent. Quarterback Ryan Tannehill with have to keep his interceptions in check and big man Ndamukong Suh will have to quit stomping on people in order for this team to succeed. Unfortunately, we do not see either of those things happening as the Fins go 4-12.

Hey, at least there is always something going on there to distract fans.

Houston Texans

The little brother of football in Texas is getting good, and that’s bad.

After snagging Brock (or was it Brent) Osweiler from the Denver Broncos in the offseason, Houston went from stagnant to a contender in one fell swoop. This team has the best up and coming wide receiver in the league in DeAndre Hopkins, and the will to win — a nasty combo.

That dreamboat JJ Watt no longer has to do everything on this team anymore. Look for the Texans to go 10-6 and win the AFC South.

Tennessee Titans

The movie Remember the Titans is an American masterpiece. It’s a true tour de force and will go down as one of the greatest football movies of all-time. The Tennessee Titans, on the other hand, can easily be forgotten.

No. 2 overall pick in 2015, Marcus Mariota, comes into his second season looking to bounce back from an abysmal 3-13 record with the help of newcomers DeMarco Murray and Andre Johnson — the latter being 35-years-old. That is 108 in receiver years.

The additions are too little too late for a team who will struggle, going 4-12 and missing the playoffs by a wide margin.

Indianapols Colts

Last year was a fluke, Andrew Luck and the Colts will be good again in 2016.

The most boring team in the NFL went into a tailspin in 2015 after Luck, the supposed future of the NFL, had the worst quarterback percentage rating (QBR) in the league. It could be worse, Luck could have been caught with piles of cash and pills like owner Jim Irsay.

There is no way the Colts miss the playoffs two years running. With a little Luck (see what we did there?) and decent play from the offensive line, look for the colts to go 10-6 and fight for a wild card birth.

Jacksonville Jaguars

This is going to sound weird, but hear us out: These cats are getting better.

Jacksonville, the laughing stock of the NFL for quite some time now, is on an upswing. They have a talented, strong, young starter in Blake Bortles, an improving backfield, and a receiving core that is better than average. All nine people who are fans of this franchise are stoked.

After a 5-11 season, look for this forgettable franchise to improve, if only by two games and go 7-9, two games better than their Florida counterpart.

That is, if they don’t all get eaten by alligators or people high on Flakka first.

Cleveland Browns

“Insert Browns joke here.”

With the Johnny Manziel situation behind them, the Cleveland Browns are trying to become relevant once again — sadly, that will not happen. Their quarterback to wide receiver combo is going to get smoked this season, most likely by Josh Gordon who was reinstated by the league after repeatedly failed drug tests.

Robert Griffin III will be the starter for this shoddy franchise and, if healthy, could be a bright spot on a team that will go 3-13 in 2016. If not, at least people on this team named Joe are pretty good.

Pittsburgh Steelers

Remember that time Big Ben was accused of sexual assault? Yeah, neither do Steelers fans.

Ben Roethlisberger and the league’s No. 1 overall offense come into 2016 with one thing in mind, keep Le’Veon Bell away from the bong. We do not understand why players cannot wait for the offseason to get stoned! Luckily for the Steele City Crew, this team is stacked with weapons.

Antonio Brown will lead the league in receiving yards; James Harrison will eat a live puppy in front of the commissioner; and the Steelers will go 11-5, earning a wild card berth.

Baltimore Ravens

Does anybody actually root for this team?

The Baltimore Ravens and their quarterback Joe Flacco, who looks like he could be your weird next door neighbor, missed the playoffs in 2015, and 2016 is shaping up to be more of the same. The biggest thing to come from the Ravens’ camp is kicker Justin Tucker saying he could make an 87-yard field goal in the thin Denver air. Umm…. no sir, you cannot.

A tough division schedule and a meteoric play from both sides of the ball will leave them with an 8-8 record, while they watch the postseason from home. Again.

Cincinnati Bengals

Everybody watch out, the league’s resident ginger is on the warpath.

Andy Dolton and the Cincinnati Bengals are the hottest team in the AFC North this upcoming season, led by the man who must have sold his soul to keep coaching as long as he has, Marvin Lewis.

Solid play from every position, a superstar receiver in A.J. Green and the memory of a tough postseason loss will lead the Tigers to a 12-4 record. Linebacker Vontaze Burfict just needs to not try and kill anybody on the field this time.

We guess nobody on this roster has a soul anymore.

San Diego Chargers

When the No. 3 overall pick and his mommy do not want to play for your organization, you know something is wrong.

This is not the only problem that will plague the worst team in the AFC West. San Diego is bad, like, really bad. The world’s most fertile man Philip Rivers and the powder blue squad have problems stemming from the offseason that saw veteran Eric Weddle bolt at the first sign of trouble (see what we did there?).

Look for problems to continue as the Chargers go 5-11 to become the bottom feeders of the toughest division in the AFC.

Hey, at least the beaches are pretty.

Kansas City Chiefs

As long as Justin Houston can stay on his feet, the Kansas City Chiefs will not have a problem.

Andy Reid, the literal embodiment of a beached walrus, and the Chiefs, are this year’s hot team to root for with a steady quarterback, a defense that rivals’ division foe Denver, and a likeable story in Eric Berry (a free safety who is now cancer free after battling Hodgkin lymphoma).

It all comes down to the play of the defense as the Chiefs go 10-6, fighting for the final wild card spot in 2016, as long as another Andy Reid co-player doesn’t eat anybody first.

Oakland Raiders

This is hard to type: The Oakland Raiders will make the playoffs in 2016… now we feel dirty. The black hole in Oakland has been expanding for a few years now with smart football decisions and draft picks that seem to be panning out. Both quarterback Derek Carr and wide receiver Amari Cooper are both extremely young, while Khalil Mack could very will be the second best defensive end in football; scary stuff for the other teams in the division.

Al Davis is rolling around in his grave as the new-look raiders will finish 10-6 with a wild card spot, given that nobody gets stabbed in the parking lot.

New England Patriots

Tom Brady has survived to the ripe old age of 39, which is amazing, given the fact that the average age of a “cheetah” is only 13 years. Impressive!

Emperor Palpatine and his understudy, Tommy Brady, were too busy killing younglings and playing with deflated balls this offseason to try and appeal the “Deflategate” scandal for a third time, keeping the golden boy on the bench for the first four games of the 2016 season. Let’s see if the Garop to Gronk combo will work for the first quarter.

Brady will come back week five with hate flowing through his veins and New England will go 11-5 and walk away with the AFC East. Gooood, Goooood.


Dallas Cowboys

Raise your hand if you are a suspended Dallas Cowboy.

Dallas was coming into the 2016 season with high hopes, then failed drug tests came crashing down on its dreams.

Both defensive end Randy Gregory and linebacker Rolando McClain, each a core member of the Dallas defense, will be watching the first 10 games from the bench as they cannot keep their partying under wraps from the commissioner. The latter, McClain, went the way of a Three 6 Mafia song getting busted with “Purple Drank.”

With looming problems on the defensive side of the ball and a veteran quarterback who looks like he went on a bender at the Pillsbury factory, look for the Dallas Cowboys to finish dead last in the NFC East with a 4-12 record — something Tony Romo cannot eat his way out of this time.

New Orleans Saints

Man, Drew Brees is old. “Breesus” and the boys are coming off a 7-9 season and are showing no signs of improving — it also doesn’t help that their No. 1 wide receiver option is 5’10”, 185-pounds.

This once prolific franchise will need to a miracle to turn things around this season. But if anybody can do it, it’s Brees. However, we just don’t see it happening. Look for the Saints to go 6-10 this season with a massive overhaul coming in 2017. It’s a shame, Brees seems like such a nice guy in those jeans commercials.

Carolina Panthers

Nothing really needs to be said here, this team is good.

Carolina, led by a beast of a quarterback in Cam Newton, had an impressive 15-1 regular season record in 2015 — a season that culminated in the loss of Super Bowl 50 to Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos. That’s always fun to write.

Going 15-1 again will not happen, teams in this league are too good and they have a target on their back. The Panthers will runaway with the NFC South again going 13-3. If they play well, they might even make a blind side 2, you never know.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Whether Jameis Winston is screaming “F**k her right in the Pu**y” on campus, stealing crab legs, or just being accused of sexual assault in college, one thing is for sure: he had a better 2015 than 2014.

Winston has something to prove and has the natural talent to accomplish such a tall task — he just has to keep his name out of the papers. The last thing Bucs fans want to see is a headline reading “Winston arrested for throwing hooker of out moving car.”

If his clean behavior continues, look for the Bucs to finish with an impressive 10-6 record and a chance at the playoffs.

Washington Redskins

Some say the name is racist; some say the name is insensitive; everybody says this team is trending in the right direction.
The Washington Race Cards have the best young QB in the league in Kirk Cousins, the best shutdown cornerback in Josh Norman and the best receiving core in the Division. Plus, when your third wide receiver is Santana Moss, you know you are doing something right.

Zero drama in the offseason leads to postseason success in the NFL, and the Washington Derogatory Terms had exactly zero drama. Look for the ‘Skins to finish with an 11-5 record and run away with the East, as long as they can keep RG III far, far away from anything Redskins.

Do you know what makes people forget about their team having the worst name in sports? Winning.

Chicago Bears

A 1-7 home record in 2015 will simply not cut it. But you know what they say, there’s always next season.

Just like the Lions, this team has the talent to win, they just can’t. It could be the shaky play of whiny quarterback Jay Cutler, or a bad defense, but it has to be something major that changes if this team crashes and burns in 2016 … Spoiler, they will. We predict they go 4-12 this season.

At least when you talk to Bears fans, they can say they are a Cubs fan now. That’s almost a bear, Right?

Atlanta Falcons

Signing Veteran Dwight Freeney was a good start, but these birds have a long way to go.

The Atlanta Falcons are the poster child for an average team these days. After starting 2015 with a 5-0 record, then finishing 8-8, it was a collapse of epic proportions that almost gave owner Arthur Blank a coronary.

This team will have to do better than that if Dan Quinn wants to keep his job this year. Too bad they play in the NFC South with the Panthers, who are fresh off a Super Bowl loss. We predict an 8-8 record again, with Quinn looking to get a place saved in line at the unemployment office.

Minnesota Vikings

Now that the “Switch” incident is behind us, the Vikings can get back to what they do best: shanking kicks. Kicker Blair Walsh missed the longest 27-yard field goal in history to end the NFC Wild Card game, sending the purple people eaters packing prematurely in the postseason.

With a new year at hand at the ugly loss in the back of their minds, baby face (and baby beating) Adrian Peterson and company are looking to bounce back in 2016 — a feat that is surely doable. The north just isn’t what it used to be. If they can keep their hands to themselves, we predict an 11-5 season and a wild-card spot.

New York Giants

The only thing more fun than Jason Pierre-Paul at a 4th of July party might be the start of the season for the New York Giants.

The Giants head into the season with first year head coach Ben McAdoo and veteran pony face Eli Manning with the hopes of not finishing third in the mediocrity that is the NFC East for the fourth consecutive season.

We can expect a handful of things in 2016 from the Red and Blue squad: Eli to mention Peyton about 78 times, the Salsa dance from Victor Cruz, and one spectacular Odell Beckham Jr. catch that will serve as the highlight for the entire NFL season.

With everything pretty much remaining the same as it was last season and a tough December schedule, expect nothing less from the boys in blue as they go 6-10 and continue the downward spiral that is New York Giants football.

Philadelphia Eagles

To quote the Dude: “I hate the Fucking Eagles, man!”

After trading everything but the kitchen sink to acquire the No. 2 overall pick and the rights to North Dakota State University’s (yes, that actually is a place) Carson Wentz, Philly is riding high looking toward the future. It truly is playoffs or bust for the birds. Unfortunately, we see more of a bust as they go 8-8 in the East in Coach Doug Pederson’s first year.

Detroit Lions

Nothing feels worse than being stood up by the prom queen and that’s exactly how the fans of the Detroit Lions feel after Megatron bailed on the party.

The city of Detroit has enough problems on their hands — economic downfall, a crumbling auto industry, and not to mention Clarence Boddicker and his gang of cronies walking around like they own the joint — to continue worrying about the Lions.

Quarterback Matthew Stafford and Co. have the raw talent to be a winning franchise. Too bad with poor management they will fall to 7-9 — the same mark as last season.

Green Bay Packers

We knew there had to be a good team in this division.

Cheese head fans should be thrilled for the upcoming 2016 season with Aaron Rodgers at the helm and Jordan Rodgers newly wedded to Jojo on the bachelorette. Jordy Nelson is healthy, Rodgers looks stellar, and the defense is on point. Hell, even the walking literal cupcake Eddy Lacy lost the weight and is ready to compete (Lacy must have let Tony Romo borrow the excess fat).

Green Bay will run away in the North with a 13-3 record and is our pick to represent the NFC in Super Bowl LI.

San Francisco 49ers

And your winner for 2016 dumpster fire goes too…

This team is in complete shambles with no sign of direction at the moment. San Fran has a quarterback that doesn’t want to be there, a defense that cannot stop making bomb jokes in airports and a first year coach that hasn’t seen a victory, or his toes, since college. Look for much of the same in 2016 as San Francisco goes 3-13 and fights for the No. 1 overall pick in 2017.

Seattle Seahawks

Quarterback Russell Wilson just got married to former hip-hop star Ciara; hell, even if he and the Seahawks are a non-factor this season, we’d chalk that up as a win.

Seattle is in a weird spot at the moment: good, but not great like years past. The team who blew Denver out the water just three years ago doesn’t seem to have the same pizzazz as they once had — probably because Richard Sherman has been relatively quiet since 2013.

These birds will still fly high in 2016 with an 11-5 record and a wild-card berth if head coach Pete Carroll doesn’t make any more awful, awful playmaking decisions.

Arizona Cardinals

Quarterback Carson Palmer has gone on record saying this is his last team before retirement… no shit man, you’re almost 40!

Even though they have a QB who uses his AARP card to buy peaches with a check, this team is stacked. Lead by Tyrann Mathieu (the honey badger who just takes what he wants), Patrick Peterson and the best defensive backfield in the NFC, Cardinals are a force to be reckoned with.

Look for the red birds to go 12-4 and all the way to the NFC Championship game, as long as Palmer doesn’t literally break a leg out there… or a hip… or whatever.

Los Angeles Rams

Ahhh, what I turnaround year this will be for the St. Louis Rams. Talk about a smart team and such a great organization for the Midwest … wait… they moved? High tailed it to LA? Well… never mind then. Sorry St. Louis fans

After the Midwestern town raised $16.2 Million dollars to keep their beloved franchise, Owner Stan Kroenke still moved the team back to Los Angeles, where they originally called home from 1957-1995.

Playing under the lights in the town of angels will prove too much for the No. 1 overall pick Jared Goff as the team falters to a 5-11 season. Hey, at least that Gurley guy is good.