The best part about being a normie in life is that we don’t have to worry about the whole world knowing when we fuck up. It’s a gift of normalcy that we certainly don’t take for granted. In today’s world we’re more interconnected than a slumber party edition of telephone (it was a real game played with real people look it up), and retweets or hashtags can ruin people to oblivion in a matter of minutes. That’s terrible news for people who actually try to live a decent life away from the public eye, but for celebrities who thrive in it, it just makes it that much more intriguing.
To our satisfaction though celebrities love to ruin themselves publicly and we normies love to watch it when they do. We really can’t blame them though, because after all, they are part human. It’s in our inherent nature to sometimes self-sabotage when things are at its best and stars are no different. From Charlie Sheen’s wild mental break-down(s) to Lindsay Lohan’s on-again-off-again love affair with drugs, it's shown that reputations aren’t made of stone and can quickly falter.
With that in mind, we decided to start a new tradition here at The Rooster. Here are our 2014 predictions for all things celebrity deaths. From relationships to careers, TV shows to actual deaths, we’ve put together some of our completely subjective and random guesses for the coming new year.
Justin Bieber: Call it planting the seed or whatever it is you’d like to call it, but recently America’s favorite androgynous pop-star dropped the bomb that he was retiring. He told the indifferent world that he was moving on from music and that he was done with it all. Then – as we’ve come to expect from Twitter revelations – he redacted the statement and blamed the media (we take that personally) of making lies about him and trying to hold him down. Seeing as how he’s worth an estimated $130 million, we can’t understand where the “holding him down” part comes from, but whatever. This is how mental breakdowns start and we’re just counting the days until his shit hits the proverbial fan. It’s coming. We’ve got a crisp $20 on it.
Lindsey Vonn: Dealing an injury card to yourself in the land of sports is quite possibly the worst thing that can happen to a career. It’s the queen of spades in the deck of success and nobody has been battling an off hand more than Lindsey Vonn lately. With a basically “non-existent ACL” and the Olympics right around the corner, we don’t foresee a championed comeback. Not to mention that she’s taken a liking to Tiger Woods who's one of the biggest creeps alive on the planet. We’re just going to guess that her time in positive light is done. So much for falling in love with sports stars who are addicted to drugs, blonde strippers and misogyny. It would have made such a great Disney tale.
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West: They really are perfect for each other though aren’t they? The two most oblivious people in the world, together, making babies and planning a wedding. The story is so unbelievably terrible that we applaud whomever it is that writes their lives – because something this bad takes talent. And we know neither of them have any. Considering Kim’s last marriage to Kris Humphries lasted all but 72 days and Kanye has to keep one-upping himself in the media with naïve and childish diatribe to stay relevant – these two are a shoe-in for a failed connection.
American Idol / X Factor: Simon Cowell has done some pretty irreparable damage to the entertainment industry and we loathe him for it. Can we just be done with these types of shows? The format is stale, the talent is lacking and with the announcement of new judge Harry Connick Jr. on American Idol (even though we dig him and his talents) the shows need to stop while they’re not ahead. The new season of Idol begins mid-January, so we’re going to have to suffer through at least one more season of that at the very least. Frown face.
This isn’t so much a prediction as it is a hope for humanity that Cowell’s reign gets pulled soon. We’d pray to the TV gods for the dismissal, but we’re guessing they’re just as lazy as we are and only do actual things about it when we can find the remote control.
Keeping Up With The Kardashians: As we saw in the great Duck Dynasty-gate of December 2013, the worst enemy of celebrities is often their own mouths. Public relations people get paid real well to avert these kinds of disasters, but it isn’t always possible – especially when opinions and beliefs are so contrasting in our country. With that said, we’re sure that the Kardashian saga is only one stupid remark away from disaster. The show has already been under countless scrutiny, even garnering over 180,000 signatures against them in a “No More Kardashian” petition in 2011. Their popularity is held together by the train-wreck that it is, and is teetering on catastrophe. Though they’re contracted through season 9, which starts airing January 19th, we can’t imagine it goes on any longer than that.
We couldn’t title this thing “celebrity death predictions” and not include actual deaths. But before you stretch your accusatory commenting fingers and blindly remark on our atrocious sense of humor remember that we do this kind of stuff in jest and don’t really wish death upon anyone. Maybe Michael Jackson…but we all know how that whole ‘life’ thing worked out for him in the end.
Paula Deen: Deen received the troubling news of her type-2 diabetes in the early part of 2012. She’s since been working to eat healthier, lose weight and turn herself around after a career spiral this past year; but we’re just not sure about it all. Too little, too late, perhaps?
Rev. Jesse Jackson: At a feisty 72 years of age, Jackson is working harder than ever to stay relevant. We equate his statements to those of the little boy who cried wolf – in that he’s said the same thing for so long that it’s basically lost all fervor and little can be done for his current image that isn’t overbearing or ostentatious. He’s had a good run; nobody can complain about seven long and productive decades.
Multiples from the cast of Glee: Now, for our predictions to hold any merit the cast would have to have avoided near death experiences before; and to our knowledge they haven’t. But wouldn’t it make for an interesting twist in Hollywood for the cast to be knocked off in some cryptic and orderly fashion a la Final Destination? Cory Monteith’s death was shocking to everyone, but may just be the beginning to something even more compelling.
Hugh Hefner: We hate to say it – but the man’s lived in a perpetual dream since the 50s. Would it be so bad if he were to leave us at 87? The women he’s dating just keep getting younger and it’s just not that cool anymore to claim that you’ve bagged yourself another child who might one day grow to be a beautiful woman. We call that level of creepy "Paul Walkering." An end of an era is nigh.