It’s here, the one night to be whatever it is you want to be so long as no one sees the pictures.

What do January 1, the 6th of July, November 1 and the entire month of December all have in common? 

National hangover days. And none tend to be worse than that of the morning after Halloween, a night where everyone chooses to be what they’ve always wanted to be — ladies usually sexy, and dudes, whatever excuse they can find to wear bae’s skirt. A time honored tradition, indeed. 

But what of it in 2017? It’s changed. Which is why we’ve compiled a list of everything you need to know before surviving a productive Halloween this year, including a list of pertinent things to avoid and a foolproof wine and candy pairing everyone’s gonna need when the basic witches come out to play.

So, you think you know all there is to know about this very special day?

As the country’s second largest commercial holiday, present day Halloween festivities can be traced back some 2,000 years ago to an ancient Celtic festival known as Samhain (pronounced “sow-in”). Then, it was a type of New Year’s Eve celebration, as the areas that are now Ireland, the UK and northern France all began a new calendar cycle on November 1 —beginning the dark times of winter, cold and often associated with the death of humans. 

It was believed that on October 31, spirits of the deceased would return to earth and play nasty tricks on the villagers including the destruction of crops and livestock. The presence of the ghosts, it was believed, somehow gave Druids (or Celtic priests) an easier time foretelling the future than any other day in the year. Without any Newsfeeds to swipe through or queues to poach, the festivities acted as a source of entertainment for everyone, though also as a line of faith to prosperity.

From there, many different versions of the holiday were celebrated in America by way of immigrant folklore and tradition of those coming to the country. Though it wasn’t until millions of Irish fleeing the potato famine came in 1846 that the modern version of Halloween grew in popularity. Toward the end of the century, children began dressing up in costumes to go door-to-door and ask for money or food.

And somehow, this all transformed into your roommate Becky wearing her good underwear and a cop badge out to the club to get so drunk she drops her keys in the toilet and cries all night before being arrested. How far we’ve come as a people.


What to do if you’re just not down with the clowns.

Hunker Down

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, about 41.2 million kids go trick-or-treating on Halloween night. Avoiding all of them is no easy task, unless you draw the shades, hit the lights and hide away in a dark corner like you’re waiting for the apocalypse.

Read A Book

Nothing’s more immersive than dropping the world around you and exploring the inner-cinema of your mind. While ignoring the doorbell like your landlord’s texts, curl up with a tome to exercise your mind. Then humblebrag about reading on social media afterward.

Nudist Colony

Hate costumes? Nudist colonies have none. Go to there. Be naked with the other freeballers and profess your disdain for pretending to be something you aren’t. Tell Glenn we sent you, he’ll give you the phat hookup because we, uh … he’s a friend of a friend. Stop asking so many questions.


Avoid these things in particular if you want to have a good night.

Wear Bigoted Shit

It’s 2017 and if the thousands of Internet headlines haven’t told you yet, wearing things others find to be racially sensitive is dumb. It’s not like you haven’t been warned.

Forget to Bring Clothes

Do this: stash an extra set of jammies behind the dumpster of your favorite bar right now. Now, go! Blacking out and waking up at a stranger’s house is par for the course. Be your own best friend.

Bogart the Edibles

We get it, candy and Halloween go together like pong tournaments and probation costs. But if you’re chomping down 50mg of a canna-whopper and don’t have the tolerance for it, you’re going to have a bad time.

Tag Your Friends

DON’T even think about it. While flipping through your photos from last night’s social hurricane, never start tagging people without consent on social media. This is the difference between a lifetime of fulfilling careers and working menial jobs for gas money.

Pairing your favorite vino with the holiday candy it can sleep with.