A super serious, expert analysis of the upcoming NFL season. Yes,this is backed by sabermetrics statistics and no, I wasn’t a former NFL GM (despite what you might think after reading this)

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys

Stop me if you’ve heard this before, but Dallas had an issue with an outspoken wide receiver this offseason. First Michael Irving, then Terrell Owens, and now Dez Bryant. By now, they’ve probably learned their lesson and will steer away from signing players with troubled pasts. Oh wait, they just signed rookie left tackle La’el Collins who went undrafted because he was being questioned by police in connection to the murder of his ex-girlfriend …

Philadelphia Eagles

The NFL version of the Oregon Ducks treated the offseason like it was a game of Madden. Philly was wheelin’ and dealin’ star players left and right. Chip Kelly went all John Mayer with his running back group by breaking up with 2013’s hottest tailback, LeSean McCoy, and picking up 2014’s hottest tailback, DeMarco Murray. Also, did you hear they signed Tim Tebow?

New York Giants

2.5 words: ODELL. BECKHAM. JR. After barely seeing the football field until week NINE, the rookie receiver had a welcome party that would rival only cocaine in the 1980s. He burst onto the scene, was an instant success and left everyone asking, “Where the hell did this come from?” Odell finished the season with a whopping 1,305 yards and 12 touchdowns.

Washington Redskins

RGIII is back and healthy. He now also stars in really tacky Subway commercials. Since Jared Fogle gained back all of his sandwich weight and masterminded a child pornography ring, RGIII could be the new face of the company. At least he has that going for him because, much like the Cold Cut Combo, both RGIII and the Skins are flavorless and dry. If you’re looking for a quality item, there are better options.

NFC North

Green Bay Packers

The Pack is the early Super Bowl favorites to win this year’s title. Aaron Rodgers’ wifey Olivia Munn is also my early favorite to win this year’s “Hottest Girlfriend in the NFL” title. Quick, let’s name the top 5 hottest NFL signifigant others: 1) Olivia Munn, 2) Gisele, 3) Jessie Decker, 4) Kristin Cavallari and 5) Katherine Webb. Honorable mention: Victoria Secret model Erin Heatherton, who’d undoubtedly make the list except that she technically isn’t “together” with Dolphins tight end Jordan Cameron anymore.

Detroit Lions

Like a room full of dumb, blonde supermodels, there’s a lot to like about this team on the surface. It’s hard to look past eye-catching talent like Calvin Johnson and Matthew Stafford. But when you sit down and really get to know them, the Lions don’t have a lot of depth. Sure, they might look good as a fantasy, but they aren’t someone you feel comfortable about in the long term.

Minnesota Vikings

Adrian Peterson is back and ready to whoop opposing defenses until they start calling him “daddy” (too soon … ?). But the team’s success ultimately lies on the shoulders of second year quarterback Teddy Bridgewater. Is Bridgewater just going to be water under the bridge or will he finally bridge the gap between the Vikings’ decade-long drought of finding a franchise quarterback?  Or perhaps he’ll just shit his bridges due to all the pressure? Only time will tell.

Chicago Bears

Fun fact: I once spent Easter Sunday with Bears’ head coach John Fox. We were on the same flip-cup team and we won. He likes dirty jokes, chewing tobacco and Michelob Lights. Other than that I really don’t have anything to report.  The last time I checked, Jay Cutler was still the quarterback for the Bears.

NFC South

Carolina Panthers

The Panthers “won” this division last year with a mediocre record of 7-8-1.  They managed to get into the playoffs because the rest of the divisional teams couldn’t squeeze out a .500 record.  If the Panthers were your friend, they’d be the guy who bragged about “pulling the hottest girl at the bar” but failed to tell you that the bar was a Chili’s in the middle of Nebraska.

New Orleans Saints

Growing up, I always thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem. I also thought the Saints were going to be a much better football team last year. I was wrong on both counts. As long as New Orleans defensive coordinator Rob Ryan continues to call plays, their defense is going to be bad. Nicki Minaj bad. In fact, if Rob Ryan wasn’t brothers with Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his dad weren’t the legendary coordinator Buddy Ryan, there would be a very good chance he wouldn’t even have a job in this league.

Atlanta Falcons

The Dirty Birds were fined $350K and a draft pick for pumping crowd noise into their stadium last season. Hey Atlanta, you want an advantage that will help you actually win some games? How about pumping in a linebacking corps that can tackle? Or pump in a secondary that can cover? Or an offensive line that can block?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

When first overall pick Jameis Winston isn’t stealing crab legs, getting accused of rape or standing on tables and yelling “fuck her right in the pussy” to female classmates, he might help the Bucs win more than the two games they won last season.  Lindsay Lohan made it through her cracked-out bleached-blonde lesbian jailbird phase; maybe Jameis can make it out of this.

NFC West

Seattle Seahawks

After the “pay me now, bitch” demands that quarterback Russell Wilson voiced this offseason, the team finally signed the young quarterback to a multi-year deal.  Additionally, they acquired All Pro Tight End Jimmy Graham, who will be an instant red-zone target for the passing game. But do the ‘Hawks really need to be passing more in the red zone? We all saw how badly that ended last year on the final drive of the Super Bowl.

Arizona Cardinals

If Carson Palmer’s health wasn’t as shaky as the Greece debt crisis, the Cardinals would be legitimate Super Bowl contenders. One of the league’s best defenses continues to thrive, but it seems like the only way to keep Palmer healthy is by NOT paying him. Last season Palmer tore his ACL two days after signing a three-year $50 million deal. This came after he tore his ACL in 2006, just 10 days after signing a $118 million extension with the Bengals. (Note: Do NOT try this at your own workplace. Deciding not to attend work after getting a promotion will surely get you fired).

St. Louis Rams

The Rams will look to spark the offense with new signal caller Nick Foles and the 10th overall pick in the draft, tailback Todd Gurley. The Rams haven’t had a winning season since 2003 and Coach Fisher hasn’t been north of .500 since ‘08.  I like their defense a lot, but I just can’t get behind this team enough to call them legit playoff contenders. They’re the type of friend you write “Happy Birthday!” to on Facebook, so you don’t have to text them.

San Francisco 49ers

The 49ers have fallen off faster than a Bruce Jenner jockstrap. First, they lost their head coach John Harbaugh. Then they lost Pro Bowlers Patrick Willis, Frank Gore, Justin Smith, Aldon Smith and Chris Borland. And soon, they could be looking to lose their “franchise” QB who just a year ago got paid a monstrous seven year, $126 million. He followed this up by ranking 28th overall in quarterback efficiency behind the likes of Brian Hoyer, Kyle Orton and Mike Glennon. Ouch.

AFC East

New England Patriots

Say what you want about Tom Brady, but the dude wins Super Bowls and is married to Gisele: two things every guy on the planet dreams of doing. All the half-assed jokes about “deflated balls” or “modeling for Uggs” don’t undermine the fact that he has four Super Bowl rings and a supermodel wife that makes more money than him. We are all secretly jealous of how perfect Tom Brady and the Patriots are.

Buffalo Bills

Rex Ryan took his coaching talents across the division to Buffalo where he hopes to build a bully of a defense. Pro Bowl defensive tackle Marcell Dareus already has come out and said the Bills can have the “best defense of all time.” You got to love the annual offseason optimism of these players. Anyone else hear that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner might be getting back together?

Miami Dolphins

College receiver turned NFL quarterback Ryan Tannehill should high-five life because he wins in all aspects of it, except when it comes to football games. Despite his lackluster 23-25 career record, the ‘Phins rewarded him a six-year $96 million extension.  Speaking of money, his wife, Lauren Tannehill, is a complete dime and there are rumors they are purchasing a new, multi-million dollar pad on South Beach. At this point, Ryan should probably just wear a shirt with the word “life” written on it and start handing out lemons.

New York Jets

Geno Smith has never had jaw-dropping ability until now. After being sucker-punched by a fellow teammate in training camp, Geno is expected to miss the next 6-10 weeks with a broken jaw. Good thing the Jets acquired veteran QB Ryan Fitzpatrick this offseason. Additionally, they acquired a vast amount of talent in the likes of Darrelle Revis, Antonio Cromartie, Brandon Marshall, Buster Skrine, Stevan Ridley, Zac Stacy, Leonard Williams, Brett Favre (again), Justin Bieber, the second gunman in the JFK assassination, the original cast of Cheers, the Monstars from Space Jam and the talking Trans Am from Knight Rider.

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens

The herpes of the NFL flared up again last year. Just when quarterback Joe Flacco was back to being mediocre … just when they lost star tailback Ray Rice for the season … and just when you thought their defense was getting too old … they popped out of nowhere and left playoff sores all over the NFL. They lost a lot of big names this offseason — offensive coordinator Gary Kubiak, wide receiver Torrey Smith and defensive tackle Haloti Ngata — but rest assured, they will find their way back to the top of the NFL’s lip.

Cincinnati Bengals

Something about men drinking frappuccinos makes me uncomfortable. I get this same feeling when I watch Andy Dalton throw the ball in the playoffs. The Bengals have made the playoffs the past four seasons but haven’t been able to advance out of the opening round because Andy Dalton has continued to look like Bill Murray from “Groundhog Day” with his repeatedly poor postseason performances. Emerging stars Jeremy Hill and Giovani Bernard formulate a nice “smash and dash” rushing attack but Dalton will need to take a step forward if this team wants to become a contender.

Pittsburgh Steelers

Troy Polamalu, highly decorated safety and hair model, retired this offseason. The defensive void he leaves will be hard to fill, but this is a veteran team that always seems to be in the playoff hunt. The aviator king, Coach Mike Tomlin, has shifted gears over the years from a defensive-oriented team, to an offensive-led team with emerging superstars Antonio Brown and Le’Veon Bell.

Cleveland Browns

The “new” look uniforms that they unveiled this offseason look exactly like their old ones, which makes a decent analogy for the Browns, who will again finish in their familiar last place spot. Johnny Manziel was penciled in to be the franchise savior, but in his only start last season he posted an abysmal 27.3 Passer Rating in a 30 to 0 loss to the Bengals. Unless he can get the offense flowing like he does a keg at a frat party, he’ll soon follow in the footsteps of all the other GREAT Browns 1st round QB’s: Brady Quinn, Tim Couch, Mike Phipps, Bobby Garrett and Harry Agganis.

AFC South

Indianapolis Colts

If the AFC South held a prom and each team could bring a date, the Texans would bring their sister, the Jaguars would bring their cousin and the Titans would bring their mom. Meanwhile, the Colts would arrive in a helicopter, bring Sofia Vergara, win prom king and get laid that night. Indianapolis is going to run away with this division as long as Andrew Luck stays healthy.

Houston Texans

Houston will be featured on this season’s HBO series “Hard Knocks.” That’s a fitting title for a team that has fallen on some hard times concerning its quarterback position and that has an open competition between perpetual backups Brian Hoyer and Ryan Mallett. Defensive Player of the Year, J.J. Watt, and last year’s first overall pick, Jadeveon Clowney, form a scary pass rushing duo, but it won’t be enough to knock off the Colts.

Jacksonville Jaguars

Watching the Jags on offense is more sobering than a BYU homecoming game. They lack stability, chemistry and experience. This middle school-esque relationship from the offense needs to be straightened out because their defense actually has some formidable talent. However, this talent hasn’t come without injury concerns as Pro Bowl defensive tackle Sen’Derrick Marks tore his ACL in the season finale and this year’s third-overall pick, Dante Fowler, tore his ACL in offseason OTA’s.

Tennessee Titans

Nothing says, “I’m ready to be your franchise quarterback” more than picking surfing over football. That’s just what number two overall pick Marcus Mariota did this offseason when he initially refused to sign his rookie deal because he balked over a contract clause that forbid him from surfing. Mariota better show up to training camp with a good grasp of the playbook because I’m sure hardnosed coach Ken Whisenhunt won’t be giving out too many “mahalos” when his quarterback starts throwing interceptions.

AFC West

Denver Broncos

For the first time in several seasons, the Broncos are coming in as underdogs. Despite winning the past four divisional titles, skeptics tend to think that the PFM 1000 (aka the Machine, aka The Sheriff, aka Peyton Fuckin’ Manning) is over the hill. If “Terminator: Genisys” proved anything, it’s that both Arnold Schwarzenegger and machines are immortal. The PFM 1000 might not be fresh off the assembly line, but he’s still a top five QB. New head coach Gary Kubiak is going to keep the bearings greased by cranking out a heavier run game and a more aggressive defense.

San Diego Chargers

The Los Angeles, I mean … San Diego Chargers have an unstable franchise location but a steady offense led by Philip Rivers. The Chargers used their 15th overall pick to nab runningback Melvin Gordon with hopes that he can take the offense to the next level. But as long as Peyton Manning is still quarterbacking, the Charger will continue to play second fiddle to the Broncos.  Sorry Charger fans, cry me a Rivers …

Kansas City Chiefs

Fuck the Chiefs.

Oakland Raiders

What do Oakland fans do when the Raiders win the Super Bowl? They turn off the Playstation. This team has been the laughing stock of the league for the past decade but things may be finally turning around. With two solid drafts in the last two years, this team could have a few upsets in store.