The long and arduous life of the hard working jimmy cap.

Boning is awesome — but having to deal with a tiny version of yourself nine months later sure isn’t. Join us on an incredible journey through history as we discuss humanity’s 500-year struggle to prevent parenthood while still bumping uglies.

History of the Ham Sock
From the beginning of time, the only well documented male-oriented birth control methods were the tried-and-true classics: anal sex and coitus interruptus. But somewhere around the 15th century, “science” got involved and started suggesting other steps a man could take to prevent babies: covering the penis in tar or soaking it in onion juice. While that could conceivably stop pregnancy (by stopping sex in the first place), it wasn’t until syphilis had sluttily spread across all of Europe did folks put down the hot tar and look for a more reasonable solution. Italian Gabriele Falloppio invented the very first condom: a linen sheath soaked in a chemical solution and tied on with a ribbon. As always, the church declared this new wiener raincoat immoral, but that didn’t stop people from building new, exciting versions made from animal intestine, bladders and even hawking “fine leather” condoms from Japan. Sausage-makers in Europe often ran a side business making condoms. It was a glorious time.
Linen and animal skin led a lot of things to be drained — including bank accounts. In fact, a prostitute might have to work for an entire week to afford just one condom. It wasn’t until Charles Goodyear (of Goodyear Tire fame) mastered rubber vulcanization and in 1855, cheaper condoms hit the market and gained popularity due to their reusability. By 1900, skin and bladder love-gloves had faded from culture so completely that “rubber” had become an acceptable word for condoms around the world. When latex was invented 20 years later, one of the first moves for the new product was to wrap it around our penises. Now, the market for condoms is poised to hit over $5 billion per year in 2018. Damn.

Future of the Fiveskin
But Americans won’t sit idly by and use sex tech that was designed when Abraham Lincoln was still getting his political pecker polished. Surprisingly, a man who didn’t need condoms for the first 30 years of his life is responsible for thrusting condom technology forward. Bill Gates recently announced a competition for redesigning the rubber, and after rolling through over 800 applicants, he awarded $100,000 to each of the 11 winners. Some of the designs include collagen condoms from leftover beef tenderloin, heat-activated shrink-wrap styles, spray-on johnnies, and one made from graphene, which is over 100 times harder than steel. Another big advance comes from crowdfunding. After raising over $100,000 on Indiegogo, an only-covers-the-tip-style condom called the “Galactic Cap” is ready to hit the market in the next few years — which should give us just enough time to find a girl who’ll have sex with us.