We were so inspired by San Francisco's recent ban on plastic water bottles, that we thought we'd make our own list of things Denver might want to ban to make life here a little more wondrous.

We were so inspired by San Francisco's recent ban on plastic water bottles, that we thought we'd make our own list of things Denver might want to ban to make life here a little more wondrous.

Overenthusiastic meter maids and righteous street sweepers

Is it just us, or is there a meter maid or five hiding behind every shrub, lurking behind every B-Cycle, and shirking underneath every parked car, just waiting to spring out and ticket you $200 for going a minute over your meter time? It's clear that meter maids derive a great deal of self worth from ticketing you more than your paycheck was for the most minor infractions, but we say it's high time the parking police take a breather and let us park in peace.

Replacement: Ticket Cricket, a new service that'll text you when your meter's up and offer you the chance to pay $5 for 5 more minutes instead of $3,000 for an actual ticket.

Girl who shuns you for not bringing your own bags to the grocery store

"Oh, you didn't bring a bag?" she says. "Wow. So I guess that means you want to buy a bag. A plastic bag. Like the kind seals choke on?"

"Yeah, the seal bags," you're forced to say, caught between wanting to save all the sea life and bring your groceries to your car in one sweeping gesture.

We're all for saving the environment, but the harshing from Whole Foods bag people has to stop. Yeah, so maybe we left our reusable bags at home, or maybe they're currently home to a family of mean raccoons who live in our alleyway dumpster, but we just want our groceries without the seal-shaming.

Replacement: New girl who's too high right now to care.

Subaru Outbacks

The only thing more remarkable that an Outback's ability to withstand decades of weather and mistreatment is their capacity to attract owners who just can't quite make it over 40 m.p.h on the Colorado highway. You're stuck behind these sloth vehicles, late for work, or having a baby, but no matter how much you try to pass them, they've got you stuck in a Mexican blockade, going 35 m.p.h in a 55 zone as they cruise by at the speed of an arthritic grandfather who's awaiting a hip replacement. Looks like you're just going to have that baby in the car and name it something like "Car-los" or "Car-la."

Replacement: Outback owners outfitted with horses instead, because they'll go about the same speed, but are cuter.


For the immense psychological strain they induce, as well as the innumerable fits of rage and bleeding eyes they've been associated with, we deem that Crocs should be eliminated from this state.

Replacement: Danskos, a still repulsive but equally comfortable lesser evil.

The DIA Bronco

Nothing soothes the fear of flying or anxiety of dealing with airport security like a demonic giant horse with laser eyes that killed its creator. Which is why we're so sad that we have to ban the satanic sculpture and replace it with something that is less likely to make you feel the grip of imminent death around your trachea.

Replacement: A giant inflatable Wacky Waving Tube, like the kind they have at Cricket Mobile to attract new customers.

Tall t's

Tall t's are just excuses for men to wear dresses, and men, if you're going to wear a dress, at least put on something a little more fabulous and Judy Garland-esque than a t-shirt that even Shaq couldn't fit in. If you're a girl, wearing a tall-t is acceptable if you're concealing a pregnancy.

Replacement: Crop tops for all.

Those chocolate-mint things they give you with your check at Denver restaurants

Once these little grenades of hell touch your taste buds, they release a fiery shit-storm of absurd false-chocolate and creme de menthe taste that annihilates the wonderful tastes in your mouth leftover from dinner and destroys any hope of you having good breath for the rest of the night. You might as well just brand "I have halitosis" on your head after eating one of these pieces of doody. Mints are one thing, but chocolate mints? Ban 'em.

Replacement: Colgate Wisps. Hello, perfect breath.

Dog clothes

We talked it over as an office, and we came to the decision that if you have a dog that needs to wear clothes to live here, then you should move.

Replacement: A dog that doesn't need a rhinestone encrusted parka to not die.


We're not saying there should be no Starbucks in Denver, we're just saying there should be some sort of limit that says you can only have 76 Starbucks per square mile, because we're pretty sure we're exceeding that figure right now. There's Starbucks inside Starbucks inside Starbucks everywhere you look. It's like Starbucks Inception. There's only so many Venti salted-caramel macchiatos one person can handle, you know?

Replacement: Coffee shops that use normal words for their drink sizes like "medium" or "small."

Banning plastic water bottles

Although we applaud San Francisco's effort to ban plastic water bottles, we'd like to ban banning plastic water bottles. How else are we going to craft makeshift bongs in times of need or sneak booze into work?

Replacement: None needed, bring us all the bottles.


And finally, the crown jewel of things we'd like to see Denver ban: pennies. Although we think they're great for flattening under trains and selling as souvenirs to tourist children, let's be honest here. Last time you had a penny, did you save it or gleefully toss it the trash, laughing maniacally as it seeped into the abyss of rotting food? Don't answer that.

Not to mention that the copper in pennies is worth more than the pennies themselves, which means your tax money is going towards paying for them. Oh, and did we mention that the average person wastes 2.4 hours every year handling pennies or waiting for someone to handle pennies?

Replacement: Nickels, duh.