The most reliable predictor of a football team's success isn't whether a precocious Manning sibling throwing touchdown passes. It's how much weed they smoke. Obviously.
The recent success of the Broncos is really great, isn't it? They've got an 9-1 record this season, meaning they've got the second best standing in the NFL. You know who's in first place? The Seattle Seahawks. They're 10-1 so far. What could possibly be propelling these teams into sporty greatness? Is it an all-star lineup, a visionary coach, or just pure luck? Ha ha, don't even make us laugh.
It's weed. Sweet, legal weed.
That's right people. Think it's a coincidence that the two best teams in the NFL come from the two states where recreational marijuana is legal? Think again, bucko.
The THC-laced connection goes the opposite way, too. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Houston Texans are both 2-8 right now, and they come the two states with the harshest penalty for marijuana use. In Florida, you win a mandatory five year prison sentence if you're busted with an ounce of the devil's grass. In Texas, we're pretty sure you're taken away and never seen again.
Are you high yet?
What's more, is that since disgraced NFL star Sam Hurd was busted for his involvement in a marijuana trafficking scheme, his Dallas Cowboys have yet to make the playoffs, or even produce a winning season. In his testimony, Hurd estimated that about half of NFL players get baked during the season, and ratted out that he'd smoked weed with 20-25 of his Cowboy teammates. During the time frame Hurd was smoking green with the team, their record was 48-32, which is better than it's been since he left in 2011.
Well, all that's great and all, but if you're like us, you're probably wondering how NFL footballers can smoke weed, then kill it when game time rolls around. We mean, getting high doesn't exactly make you want to spring up from your tie-dye bean bag chair and sprint suicides up and down a field. Have you ever smoked it? You can barely get up to grab that bag of Cheetoes you've been having a food-porn dream about, let alone remember how to spell your own name. Honestly, one time we got so high that we spent a full hour laughing about the name "Susan."
But, turns out the THC in weed can be a performance-enhancer for athletes. The super-chill compound is well known to treat pain and inflammation associated with sports injuries, promote better sleep, reduce stress, thereby allowing athletes to train longer and harder. Famed boxer Julio Cesar Chavez Jr. used it recreationally to help him prepare for and recover from fights, and although he was busted for using it, he credited it with his athletic success. So, put that in your knowledge sandwich and eat it.
So while we're happy Peyton Manning is around, we're even happier that weed is around. Like all around, all the time. In your nose, in your lungs, enhancing the performance of Colorado athletes like a bo$$. Because it seems as though if it wasn't for weed, we'd have no reason to get crazy drunk on Sundays, no use for our 16-year-old Elway jerseys, and no bragging rights about having the best goddamn team in the league. Now if you'll excuse us, we're going to go get high practice our figure skating routine.