One of the most common questions I receive, almost always asked by people with vaginas having sex with people with penises is: “I just slept with a new person, and I really like them… but they didn't make me cum. What do I do?”
 
First off, if you didn’t get off because you feel unsafe or uncomfortable with this new person, then run. But if you feel safe and romantically attracted to each other, then why throw in the towel after the first round? Maybe things can only get better from here.
 
It is high time we reframed getting off as the central goal of having sex. 
 
We can thank the pandemic for ensuring that most of us can get ourselves off quite efficiently. (Yes, around 10% of women haven’t had an orgasm but we will save that discussion for a future time). There’s nothing like spending months of boredom and isolation watching a fuckload of porn, stocking up on sex toys, starting an only fans/only feet, flirting with strangers online, taking piles of heater nudes and just generally jerking off for hours to relieve some of the tension and stress we have all endured. 
 
Many of us were forced to cope with the pandemic shitshow of trauma, fear and loss without human contact. If you’re anything like me, this may have left you with a feeling of insatiable thirst and skin hunger (a term we use in psychology to describe the human need to be touched). Sex offers us much more than just the chance to jizz (which we can do just find on our own), it can create a pathway to reawaken the pleasure and exploration of being intimately touched. Many of us are out of practice, so be gentle with yourself and your new partner(s). If you want to sleep with them again, next time SHOW AND TELL THEM WHAT YOU WANT!
 
Despite our habitual sexting, the patriarchal remnants of sexual shame still linger in our culture, sometimes making it difficult to ask for what we want in the moment. Like anything worth doing right, good sex with a new partner can take practice. While the g-spot isn’t a myth, most females don’t orgasm from vaginal penetration alone, and there is a huge variety in the type of clitoral stimulation that gets women off. Some of us have very sensitive clits that seek a light touch, others want you to pull our pussy lips apart and suck like a Hoover. Some are so accustomed to vibrators after 2020 that manual stimulation just doesn’t do the job right now, so use your toys during sex! Please ya’ll… don’t feel threatened by a piece of vibrating plastic, use it to your advantage if you like it. 
 
It can be unrealistic to expect a new partner to read your mind and know exactly what you want, like some romantic Disney notion that you’re made for each other if everything goes perfectly in bed the first time. If you’re looking for that you might be disappointed, and if you find it, you might also be disappointed. The last time a guy read my mind in bed, I overlooked a whole lot of red flags because the sex came so naturally. 
 
Being vulnerable with someone new and asserting what you want can feel scary, but it can also be a huge turn on when we let go of our expectations and directly speak our truths. The first time you sleep with someone, you can usually tell what their last partner was into, and it is only
natural that you may not have the same taste in pleasurable sensations. If they are truly into you, then they should be willing to listen and experiment without their ego feeling bruised because they didn’t nail it the first time. If this offends them, then you are probably not with the right person. 
 
After everything we have been through with the pandemic, we deserve the joy and satisfaction of intimate touch and communication about our desires. If the end goal becomes the entire focus, we can miss out on the journey. So enjoy the ride of eroticism in all forms and
have some FUN doing it!

Maybe I’m an optimist, but I believe that every new person we genuinely vibe with is a blessing in a world filled with so much conflict and disconnection.
 
Signing off and remember, when it comes to love, sex, relationships, and anything or anyone that matters in your life, IF IT’S NOT A FUCK YES, IT’S A FUCK NO!