The modern human has no time for diet and exercise, and apparently neither did humans from centuries past. If you’re looking to slim down like your ancestors, follow these deranged tips, and you’ll be able to fit into your pantaloons before you can say, “Fad diet.”

The modern human has no time for diet and exercise, and apparently neither did humans from centuries past. If you’re looking to slim down like your ancestors, follow these deranged tips, and you’ll be able to fit into your pantaloons before you can say, “Fad diet.”

1080s – Liquor Diet


Eating makes you fat, but liquid calories don’t count, or so thought William the Conqueror. He knew if you really wanted to work your waistline you’d replace all of your food with the most nutritionally dense liquid ever. Liquor. Consuming nothing but alcohol is sure to rid you of excess weight and friends. Your body will be so hard at work scarring your liver and sending nude selfies to your boss that you won’t even notice the pounds slough off. As an added bonus, the liquor diet gives your skin a unique, jaundice-colored pallor that will surely attract attention when you’re passed out in a puddle of your own vomit rocking that new bikini bod.

1900s – Tapeworm Diet


If you’re the type of person who hates working out, the Tapeworm Diet of the early 1900s is perfect for you. Simply swallow one little pill full of larvae, and wait for the results. In no time that parasite will latch onto the walls of your intestines and take care of those pesky nutrients for you. You get to eat whatever you want, whenever you want, and the tapeworm takes the blow. You don’t even have to get off the couch and stop watching porn. The best part is, when you’ve reached your goal and all the guys at the gym are jealous of new parasite-induced physique, your pizza-and-beer filled tapeworm will wriggle its way out of your poop chute, and you don’t even have to lift a finger.

1920s – Cigarette Diet


According to cigarette manufactures in the 1920s, the best way to stop being addicted to food is to get addicted to something else. So, the next time you want to grab a fudge-filled, deep-fried taco burger, grab a trusty cigarette instead. Eventually you won’t even want to eat. You’ll be so cool and skinny in your mini skirt that nobody will notice your nasty teeth and constant hairball cough. Plus you won’t have to worry about getting fat again when you’re old because you’ll probably be stricken with heart disease or emphysema.

1960s – Sleeping Diet


Sleeping is essential for maintaining a healthy weight, but did you know it can make your dream of a svelte figure come true? With the Sleeping Diet all you have to do is take a fistful of sleeping pills and wander off to dreamland. While you’re conked out, your body will conveniently start eating itself. In a few days or a week, you’ll wake up ready to model those new J Crew size 000s. Want proof this diet works? The King himself, Elvis Presley, reportedly loved this diet. He loved it so much that … oh. 

1950s – The Amphetamine Diet


If none of these methods are fast enough, what you need is a good dose of speed. In the 1950s, doctors prescribed amphetamines to fatties like you and, by-golly, it worked. After taking a few pills, you’ll be mowing the grass on your roof at three in the morning, and that counts as exercise. You’ll be so busy cleaning, looking out of your windows and taking more diet pills that you’ll forget to eat, forget your kids and forget to shower. You’ll be able to fit into that bro-tank with ease, but fuck that bro-tank. You could pawn it and use the money to buy more diet pills, because you probably need more diet pills.