You've spent the last few months pretending not to hear the carols, see the lights or notice the incessant commercials, but there's no escaping Christmas. If you haven't finagled a good enough excuse to skip the Christmas gathering, you're gonna be fucked if you didn't bring a present. Have no fear, you procrastinating Scrooge you, here are some cheap-as-hell/basically-free gifts you can give to the sad bastards who don't get the hint. 

 

You've spent the last few months pretending not to hear the carols, see the lights or notice the incessant commercials, but there's no escaping Christmas. If you haven't finagled a good enough excuse to skip the Christmas gathering, you're gonna be fucked if you didn't bring a present. Have no fear, you procrastinating Scrooge you, here are some cheap-as-hell/basically-free gifts you can give to the sad bastards who don't get the hint.

Liquor

Liquor is the best of all Christmas gifts because everyone loves it, there's never a line at the liquor store and if you flake out on Christmas you've got a nice bottle or bottles of booze to waste the day with. If you've only got one friend a cheap bottle of anything is acceptable. Otherwise load up on .99 cent shooters. If you go the 40 oz route, you don't even have to wrap it. 

Put something in a mason jar and put a bow on it

Mason jars are all the rage right now, you can put literally anything in a mason jar and it's an instant hit. Seriously, unwrap all the Halloween candy you and your kid didn't eat, drop it in a mason jar, put a bow on it and watch the smiles roll in. Put beans, rice and soup mix in one, slap a bow on it and your grandma will be delighted. Add flour, sugar and chocolate chips to another, affix a bow and give it to a friend. It will look like cookie ingredients, you'll say it's cookie ingredients but nobody ever makes those things so they'll never find out. Bam. Done. 

Charcoal

This gift is ready-made in your shed, leftover from your summer barbecue shenanigans. Fish a few coals out, dump'em in a fancy bag, mason jar or brown paper sack and bada-bing bada-boom you've got a present. Tell the recipients they've been naughty so, tough shit for them. They'll think it's a great gag gift, meanwhile you just dodged a major gift bullet with wit, charm and lumps of coal. 

Coupons

If you can get your hands on a Sharpie or two and some paper, you've got an infinite amount of coupons to satisfy any holiday wish… at a later date. You can let your imagination run wild depending on who you're gifting them to: Redeemable for one night of designated driving, one night of anal sex or one round of beers. People will think it's cheesy, but fuck them for expecting you to buy them a gift. Most of these get thrown away instantly, so you're 70 percent off the hook already. Careful though, you have to be ready to perform if that coupon comes back. Don't write anything you'd regret, like babysitting kids or cooking dinner.

So happy holidays, and here's to hoping nobody ever makes you come to a Christmas dinner ever again.