With the staggering amount of biological technology at the hands of today's Silicon Valley hackers, you'd think they'd use it for something like editing out the breast cancer gene or curing ALS so we wouldn't have to sit through any more ice bucket videos. But nope, today's best and brightest researchers are focusing on a much more insidious problem: vaginal odor.
With the staggering amount of biological technology at the hands of today's Silicon Valley hackers, you'd think they'd use it for something like editing out the breast cancer gene or curing ALS so we wouldn't have to sit through any more ice bucket videos. But nope, today's best and brightest researchers are focusing on a much more insidious problem: vaginal odor.
With the use of some new, probiotic-based technology, a new breed of scientists called "microbiome hackers" could make your junk smell and taste better than drunk pizza … and by that, we mean "really good."
Here's how it works: These microbiome hackers can "hack" the bacteria that lives in your gut, urinary tract and genitals using orally-administered probiotics. These probiotics then encourage certain micro-orgamisms to flourish or die off in various parts of your slammin' bod, which alters the smell and taste of your various mucosa.
More specifically, using a probiotic of the Lactobacillus variety, hackers can give your vagina a "pleasant taste and aroma." Right now, as we speak, they're working on a hack that'll make lady parts smell like roses and taste like diet Cola. Wait … isn't that a Lana del Rey song?
… and why diet Cola? Might as well make that shit full-fledged fat, ain't nobody craving the taste of aspartame except people looking for uninvolved ways to lose the freshman 15. Anyway …
Don't worry if you're not really a soda person or roses make you break out in hives. The combination of tastes and smells they can hack your pussy with isn't just limited to flowers and shitty, no-calorie sodas; it's limitless, like the Bradley Cooper film.
You want your vag to taste like sundried tomato-chicken farfalle with a white-wine pesto sauce? Fine. Want it to smell like unicorn hiccups? Great. Think how much easier it would be to get Brad or whatever his name is to go down on you if your pussy if it tasted like a waffle cone. The technology exists.
But making your pussy into a four-course meal isn't the only thing these microbiome hacks can do; they can even help protect you from UTIs and other pathogens so you stay healthy enough to constantly be eaten out.
And hey, don't you worry if you don't have a vagina; the same researchers that are trying to hack slit are also trying to hack literal shit to make it smell better. So, in the future, you could be alerted that Terry from HR just took a huge dump in the office's only bathroom by the rousing smell of bacon and eggs. Helpful!
However, they say the process of poo-provement is riskier than vagina amelioration because it "involves some destruction of the gut." So, for now, just keep pooping at home like the rest of us.
Now, if they could only figure out a hack to make balls less sweaty … Yay science!
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