Oh geez …. we need some antibiotics. Stat. 

When you grow up in a school with a graduating senior class of 12, you know who's fucked who. Everyone does. Those classes that blather on about STIs and AIDS are completely useless, because if anyone had "the clap," they'd be ruthlessly ridiculed and everybody would make fun of them until they moved to a different city. Other than the comedy of watching your teacher put a condom on a banana, high school sex ed was a joke. 

Until you move to a city where all your classmates didn't attend the same elementary school as you. That's where things get tricky. 

And since your partner doesn't necessarily have to tell the truth when you ask them, "You don't have AIDS, right?" it's always good to keep things in perspective. When you hump someone, you're more or less humping all the people they've humped … from a biological standpoint. 

The good people at Lloyd's Pharmacy have a handy calculator to help you figure out how many crotches you've been exposed to in your lifetime, and baby, it ain't pretty.

We've bedded plenty of honeys, but let's just imagine that we've only gotten nasty with three hot chicks.

Uh oh. And when you calculate from the average number of sexual partners have these days (nine sexy bodies), that number jumps to 3,917,918 people. 

No glove, no love, Internet. Remember that.