As if this holiday could GET any hotter.
God, Thanksgiving gets me so hot. UNGHH. Dinner with Grandma, the Macy's Day Parade, ribbed cranberry sauce from a can — all these things really get me going. What, never thought of turkey day as the friskiest day of them all? Well, my fellow gluttons, here are a few festive suggestions to get your nether regions as hot as mom's homemade stuffing. Looks like you'll be bringing the green bean casserole this year … if you know what I mean. Let's dig in.
I'll admit it. I'm a reader. I get all hot and bothered by erotic literary period pieces, and there's a huge selection tailored to this time of year. Really?? Yeah really! The pilgrims were freaks! Need more convincing? Primary source accounts of the early colonies show us that the settlers really knew how to bring the boom boom to the room room. Full of bestiality and buggery, anal sodomy, rape and STDs, these XXX stories are only for the baddest bitches. I recommend Carl Anthony's "Sex Lives of the Pilgrims" to whet your appetite.
I mean, this is the New World of online adult entertainment. There's an abundant cache of Pocahontas-themed porn out there. For which I am thankful. If you're like me and like your porn to have colonizing storylines, patriotic undertones, hints of genocide, and naughty Native American Pocahotties getting conquered by princely John Smiths, I suggest you get to Googling.
Hot, brown, gooey gravy baby. I love gravy on my mashed potatoes, I love it on my stuffing, and I love it aaaallllllll over my breast meat. Back off, Victoria's Secret chocolate body frosting. There's a new brown edible sex smear in town this month, brought to you by McCormick.
This value-set of turkey mating call CDs
Nothing makes me go from 6 to midnight like these assorted carnal calls of the wild (which explains why I have so much sex this time of year). Compiled by the legend Dr. Lovett Williams Jr. himself (aka the love doctor), each CD lets you turn down the lights and turn up the heat while getting it on to 50 glorious minutes of cat calls and wolf whistles and blood curdling sounds of completely consensual sex in the wild, turkey style. And at $9.95 for the set of 6, what's not to love?
Fuck off, Halloween. Unless you're a pagan or a foreigner, November is historically known as and scientifically proven to be the number-one month of the year for dressed-up bedroom role playing. With so many politically correct offerings (www.indianpilgrimcostumes.com) of sexy Native American girl costumes, it's easy to see why. Feeling animalistic? This risqué turkey costume positively screams "I love anal."
And for the fellas?
Slip into this irresistible pilgrim getup complete with dorky shoes and a bucket hat, and you'll have her begging for second helpings.
Dessert, anyone? Pumpkin spice flavored condoms
Mmmmm, I just can't get enough of that sweet, sultry pumpkin spice. Thanks, Durex, for never letting me enjoy a nice piece of pumpkin pie quite the same way again.