Never again be a glaring trainwreck before sundown by approaching the craft of early boozing with mindful preparation.
Fade in: A faceless millennial sits atop a yellowing, twin-size mattress without sheets and faces a web-strewn pane to the outside world. The weather is bright, blue and unthreatening. Grabbing its phone, the thirsty rando types wildly to a respondent on the other end: “WHATS GOOD?” A few moments later the device vibes from within and flashes a series of colorful, rudimentary pictures of cats with hearts over their eyes amidst a half dozen “thumbs up” icons. “Park. 20 min. You ducking coming?”
It’s day-drinking time. And the difference between being an oversaturated loon and a composed gentleperson relies solely on the preparedness of the boozer. Shorten the chance of hating yourself afterwards by adhering to these pertinent strings of advice.
• Fortify the Base
Let’s face reality: Brunch is stupid. But it can be more than just over-hyped, over-priced food; let it be the carbohydrated shield upon which the drinks be scorned! “Alcohol gets into your bloodstream quickly,” says the US National Library of Medicine. “The amount and type of food in your stomach can change how quickly this occurs.” Solidifying a good base meal of proteins and carbs beforehand ensures the turn up is gradual and not a quick plunge off the cliff of sanity.
• Welcome to Waterworld
Alcohol is a diuretic, which means it throws shade on the kidneys to make the coming out volume of pee-pee far more than fluid taken in — sometimes up to four times as much. It also reduces the production of vasopressin, a hormone needed to tell kidneys to reabsorb water rather than flush it out an exit strategy. Downing a glass or two between drinks is one of the best ways to combat the fluid loss. It also helps to spread out the alcohol intake to keep from being the first one napping under comfortable looking brush.
• Skip the Sugary Sugar
When the twisted threads of your very soul are sloshing around in an entire fishbowl’s worth of syrupy whatevers, the body is working extra hard to not only metabolize the alcohol, but also the sugar. Likewise, when booze goes in it alters our ability to maintain proper water levels. While trying to evacuate the likely-cancer-causing sodas, mixers or chasers, the body responds with increased urination and dehydration — adding to those same negative effects from alcohol. Sugar is the best, but also the worst.
• Drink Three-Two Beer
Sure, Colorado is still somewhat directing itself through archaic mid-1930s alcohol laws, but to the daytime drinker it can have its advantages. Low-point beers (a beer that contains 3.2% ABV) are a state exclusive that can help keep intoxication low, but the intake still high if needed — like when drinking games or funnels are involved. And if anyone gives you any lip for drinking “swill,” just call the asshat an ugly demon who doesn’t understand biochemistry and move on.
• Sober Self > Drunk Self
It’s no secret that anyone’s sober “Dr. Jekyll” self is a far greater addition to the community than a drunken “Mr. Hyde.” But it’s not to say the two can’t work together in beautiful unison. “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail,” once said Benjamin Franklin. Consider running future errands early, putting on sunscreen before going out, cooking and refrigerating a healthy meal for later, or setting multiple alarms hours in advance to preemptively strike what fuck-ups may come. It’s what smart diurnal-drunks do.
Drinker’s Dictionary
Getting housed is a historical pastime. The next time you’re out with a head full of juice, use one of these hilarious terms from the archives to describe how drunk you really are.
– whip-cat (1582)
– drink-drowned (1600)
– pot-shotten (1629)
– drunk as a wheelbarrow (1675)
– as tight as a tick (1678)
– lumpy (1810)
– drunk as a boiled owl (1892)
– pie-eyed (1904)
– gassed (1925)
– honkers (1957)
– ratted (1983)
– twisted (1998)
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