Come at me, Satan!
With our current population displaying the lowest levels of religiosity in years, and many studies reporting that raising religious children turns them into little shitheads, blind faith in America is in dire need of a much-belated makeover.
After all, for thousands of years, the sacred scripture of the Bible has remained untouched and unchanged save for those who altered it to fit hateful narratives. Today, we read from basically the same text our ancestors did some billion years ago, and unsurprisingly, this has-been approach to spirituality has caused many millennials to see religion as highly un-lit and unworthy of Snapchatting.
In a last-ditch effort to entice our nation's young and hip into Jesus worshipping God freaks, the powers that be have done what they should have done years ago and converted the entire Bible into a language they're hoping millennials will understand: emojis.
Yep; as of today, the emoji Bible is officially a thing.
The digital text is entitled "Bible Emoji: Scripture 4 Millennials," and it uses Apple's vast library of emoticons to retell all 66 books of the Bible in a way intended to relate to young people. After all, there's nothing young people relate to more than struggling with literacy so much that their only mode of linguistic expression is an array of smartphone smiley faces.
In addition to the ebook, there's a whole "Bible Emoji" website that allows users to produce their own translations by typing a Bible verse into a text box and having it converted to emoji.
In doing so, you get something like this:
WOW, COOL. We're totally going to renounce or abhorrent sinful ways and stop having premarital sex right now.
Even stranger; the creator of the emoji bible is an anonymous translator who refuses to identify him or herself with anything other than the cool-dude-with-sunglasses emoji. He told the Guardian that the inspiration for the project came from the idea of a futuristic Bible written within the constraints of social media outlets like Twitter. Makes sense; the Bible is kind of the ultimate example of TL;DR, so distilling its essence down to a catalog of tiny photos is kind of the only way to capture the attention of today's word-averse populace.
"I thought if we fast forwarded 100 years in the future, an emoji Bible would exist," the cool-dude-with-sunglasses said. "I wanted to make it similar to how you might text or tweet a Bible verse, by shrinking the total character count."
Bible Emoji is available on iTunes for $2.99, but the translator stated he was not able to develop versions for Android and Amazon ebook platforms as they do not recognize Apple's emojis … just another way the Bible excludes certain populations, amiright?
Only time will tell if this newfangled approach to biblical text will attract more people to the Christian faith … but in the meantime, we're just going to continue with our unbridled worship for the eggplant emoji … apparently, the more emojis you use, the more sex you have, and that's the only true religion we ascribe to in the hotbed of sin that is the Rooster office. Come at me, Satan!