If only you'd learned your lesson from last year…
You couldn’t be more excited for the festivities that lie ahead. You’ve even taken a sworn oath of liquid celibacy in anticipation of today’s events.
2. Very Optimistic: First Guinness
You don’t normally drink Guinness, but it’s St. Paddy’s Day and the stout tastes exceptionally good. Today’s going to be a good day.
3. Extremely Optimistic: First Car Bomb
You haven’t had one of those in awhile. When it touches your lips, it tastes so good. Is that a car bomb moustache deliciously positioned on the top of your mouth?
4. Skeptically Optimistic: Second and Third Guinness and Car Bomb
Just one or two more to get into the mood. The buzz is kicking in, and one more would put you at the perfect state. Nothing can stop you now.
You run into a friend, and he buys you a Jameson shot for the holiday. Doubt rears its ugly head, but you’re a fighter. You pinch your first unsuspecting victim for not wearing green. They're like, "Fuck off."
6. Pessimistic: Green Beer
The Guinness route is unsustainable and you move to green beer. Thank goodness, your friend is here just in time to get you … another car bomb.
7. Slightly Pessimistic: Empty Stomach
By now you’re warm, cozy and possibly Irish. Visiting the outside air as you move bar to bar has helped. You forget you haven’t eaten. Shit.
8. Very Pessimistic: Dance Floor
Another two green beers and you’re heading to the dance floor, coordination or not. It’s the latter, and you spill your beer on the table that seems to have moved into your walking path.
9. Extremely Pessimistic: Drunk Asshole
Waitress at Chili’s refuses to serve you because you’re being a drunk asshole. After being asked to leave, you return home only to realize you’ve been walking around with spilled car bomb on your sweater all day. You crawl into bed, but not before free-basing a box of dry Lucky Charms because there's a leprechaun on the box and what other reason do you need?